Bro Breakdown: The Weirdly Old Bro

By Jane Duh

The Weirdly Old Bro (WOB) is a phenomenon that every betch experiences at least once in her life (with some betches getting WOB-addicted and going on to become very successful Real Housewives). He never reveals his age upfront, but you'll start to put together that he's got at least a decade on you after he awkwardly doesn't get one of your sweet Hey Arnold reference and uses too many smiley faces in texts which is always a red flag that a dude either didn't get a cell phone til college or is a serial killer. If you go on enough dates with a WOB (which you should, because he's fancy as fuck) he'll start to hint at his age by saying weird shit about how fun the '80s were or telling you about how he "was married" or some other lame old person shit like that.

WHO: The WOB is an older dude (duh) who wasted his life away probably on his career and is now trying to make up for lost time by banging all the hot young betches he can to fill up his lonely old heart. Tbh, if this dude is so keen on dating younger chicks it should probably be a red flag that women his age are not into it or that he was like, fat in college and trying to compensate. So make sure you ask all the important questions up front so you don't end up asking, "is that a bubble gum statue of my face?" later.

WHAT: He's probably out hanging out at wine bars or launching his new app that does blah blah blah or caring for his parents who are like super, extra, literally about-to-die-old.

WHEN: You can meet your life's WOB at any time and anywhere. He usually strikes when you least expect it, probably when you're out drinking where he'll do something Don Draper-ish like send you a drink from across the bar and immediately gain access to your front hole.

WHY: You'll usually find yourself dating a WOB at a time in your life when you're like "so over" guys your age. Unfortunately, like all bros, eventually the shit that you used to like about the WOB will start to annoy the shit out of you and one night when he tells you he "doesn't totally get" what house music is you'll make him sleep on the couch and then never see him again.

WHAT HE MEANS: The WOB is a right of passage for every betch because he means that you're young enough to be pursued by such a creature, but old enough for it to be fun and not totally creepy. Fuck him. Date him. Do whatever you want just don't marry him because then your son will be one of those kids with the super old dad at field day who can't do any of the sports and that's just awk for everyone.

The WOB in pop culture: Woody Allen, George Clooney when he was single, and Jay from Modern Family




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