Dear Head Pro,
Hi, so here's the situation; the best friend of an ex-boyfriend from about two years ago has started hitting me up to hang out. This ex-boyfriend and I were never serious but we attempted to remain friends after things ended pretty amicably, however he ended up being a worse friend than he ever was a boyfriend and hurt me pretty bad on a few occasions till I finally told him the friendship wasn't working, and we haven't spoken in months. Anyway so his best friend started hitting me up to hang out or meet up out a few weeks ago and we finally made it work last weekend when I had people over and he came too. He ended up sleeping over, though we didn't do anything more than make out, coddled all night, and he lingered for a while in the morning.
My ex came up at some point and he got defensive and it was clear that my ex definitely didn't know that his friend had started pursuing me. He said he'd hit me up again and he hasn't. If he was just looking to get laid I don't think he would have come to me, I don't sleep around and he should know that based on how long I made his best friend wait for sex a few years ago (guys talk about that right?). Anyway my question is what is his endgame? I figured he must like me enough to break the bro-code to pursue me, or maybe he's starting to feel weird about getting sloppy seconds? I think I could really like this guy, help!
Well, first things first let's re-define the so-called "bro code." It exists, yes, but it's nowhere near as ironclad as it seems, like the bond between myself and Selena Gomez. Basically, the severity of the code depends on the intensity and duration of the relationship. For instance, bro code adherents would probably never sleep with a bro's ex-wife, or or any "great love" of his life or whatever. Other than that, it's just a time issue. A girl you dated for a year or two? Maybe let that one cool off for a year, and then it's probably fair game.
Considering you acknowledged that the relationship was never serious and that he treated you like shit, it sounds to me like he didn't take it that seriously either. Now, sure, it's always going to be a little awkward when you find out your buddy is fucking with your ex, but I don't think this would have constituted any major breach of bro code.
As far as the friend's endgame, I can't help you with that. Guys do talk, but I kind of doubt if they were keeping a running tally of when you finally let the ex into your pants. He may have just been looking for some low-hanging fruit (in your case, a girl he already knew) to see where things went. Since things did not go to the Bone Zone Cafe, maybe he's not interested anymore. Or maybe he is. Or maybe he's dead in a brothel somewhere. Anything is possible!
Dear Head Pro,
I started talking to this guy from Tinder (we'll call him T) in late August. We finally met mid-October and have hooked up only a couple times since then. After leaving my apartment last weekend at 5 AM, he's been evasive to the extent that I'm pretty sure whatever we had going on is over. While I'm bummed that I've lost a guy I was attracted to and was comfortable hitting up for some late night fun, it's not like we had any sort of emotional or romantic connection.
Fast forward a couple days, and coincidentally (or maybe not?) his teammate messages me. We had actually talked for a while in early August until I didn't respond to one of his messages, which caused the conversation to die like they often do on Tinder. In the past two days, I've had better conversations with this guy than I ever did with T. I could be getting ahead of myself asking you these questions, but this is uncharted territory for me and I just want to hear your opinion in case things evolve into more than a conversation on a dating app--
~If I decide to meet up with the new guy, do I need to give T a heads up/ask if its ok? I don't really think its up to him, but I also think it would be fucked up to shadily start seeing his teammate without his knowledge.
~Should I tell the new guy about my history with T? If so, when? It meant nothing and I'm not really one for secrets.. Plus I'd hate to see it blow up in my face later.
Certified Cleat Chaser
Dead Uncertified Cleat Chaser,
I'm still kind of shocked that college kids use Tinder, because in my experience college basically was Tinder. Idk, maybe I'm old. Anyway, I highly doubt that the message from this new guy is random. I know that you'd already matched with him and everything, but come on. You had a few NSA fuck sessions with the one guy, and then his buddy hits you up out of the blue several months after you last talked? That's no coincidence.
So not only do you owe NEITHER guy an explanation about your future and/or past dalliances, I'd think twice about pursuing anything with this new dude. I don't want to stand in the way of potential true love (lol), but you're worried about this "blowing up in your face?" Imagine the entire baseball team having a detailed description of your labia minora committed to memory. My guess is, if this isn't a coincidence (it isn't), the first guy told his buddy "hey, this girl does the sex real good, you should hit her up." The next thing you know, you're at the center of a locker room orgy fantasy. Men are animals.
Do what you want, but proceed with caution at the very least. That, or just get shitfaced and meet people in bars and frat houses, like we used to in ye olden times.