April 24, 2012
With HBO's Girls supposedly 'revolutionizing' female television, the ugliness of that show has left us yearning for the days when hot and shady non-hipster bros ruled primetime. No bro embodies this more than the one whose signature move is name dropping himself. He's...Chuck Bass.
Chuck is your typical NYC trust fund pro. But unlike beau bestie Nate Archibald, Chuck doesn't care about life's trivial details such as his education or being nice to people. He's all about booze, betches, Blair and being bored. Even though this is a broast, we must commend Chuck on living our dream of doing nothing all day. Sure he occasionally distracts himself with fun pursuits of manipulating his friends and family, but he is typically seen behind a bar or whispering sweet nothings to people from the back of his limo.
Betches love Chuck for many reasons, but chief among them is the fact that he is casually the Scott Disick of Gossip Girl. They're both fond of drugs and alcohol and using other people's money to pursue projects for 10 minutes before becoming bored again. The two also share an appreciation for the most luxe pastels and hair gel that nightclub profits can buy. "The product in my hair...it's made of finely crushed pebbles from the black sand beaches of Porto di Ponente...the bottle had its own seat on my jet to #63 America." - Either one of them.
Much like any typical #53 SAB, Chuck is in love with Blair, so instead of being kind he makes weird plots to manipulate her and all her friends, and potentially sell her to his uncle/maybe-dad in return for a hotel. And you think it's bad when a guy waits 30 minutes to text you back. Honestly, his relationship issues make total sense when you think about the array of women he thought were his mothers! From the amnesiac lesbian in Mullholland Drive to a fembot, his fucked up mommy issues might even top Don Draper's.
Side note: Do we think five seasons is enough to drag out the Chuck and Blair happily ever after ending? Or has Blair not dated enough of the main characters? Are the producers turning Lily into a bitch so that Blair can eventually take Rufus for a spin? Or perhaps Chuck should get stabbed/die just one more time for us to really enjoy their inevitable union?
Chuckster may be the second hottest bro on Gossip Girl, but he rarely concerns himself with typical bro-ey things like frats/sports/video games/porn. First of all, Chuck Bass doesn't need porn because he has hookers on call. And he doesn't need all that other shit because he derives most of his pleasure from getting fucked up, having phone sex with his "private investigator," and perfecting the 'verge on gay chic' look.
But I mean, we would do him in a second, signature scarf and all.
One thing we do wonder is like, what does he actually do all day? When he's not managing his off-shore accounts that he's had since he was 17, he sort of just lurks around and speaks to people in baritone. Like he doesn't have a job because he doesn't need one, which is fine, because you know what we say, the less the merrier. We'll just assume he's the only character who was too busy blacking out when they sent the mandatory memo that every character must pretend to enroll in NYU.
So betches, take a shot in honor of Chuck Bass and remember, if we can change the word to betch, Chuck can definitely change the word to bass hole.