November 16, 2012
Betches, today we broast someone and not in a good way. Though we truly think he's too disgusting to be worthy of this column whose past includes Scott Disick and Chuck Bass, there's a lot of Trump hating going on, and when have we ever been above talking shit? We figured if we could turn a whole generation of betches against Anne Hathaway for being too nice, then the war on Donald should be the length of say, his old ass dick. Ready, let's start. Okay, done.
Kidding, we'd never deprive you of a full-fledged broast of this asshole...whom we're sure is perfectly bleached because no one is born with hair that oxidized. We'd call him a #17 lucky sperm, but sperms are technically just genes, and "lucky"...his are not. One thing he was born with is a fuck ton of money, which he lost, and then made back. He is America's OG riches to bankruptcy four times to riches story...totally someone whose presidential run we should entertain.
...but speaking of presidential runs and entertainment, really Donald Trump, you thought you could run for president. You're on a reality show. What's it like to have your resume overlap with toddlers in tiaras?
Anyway, whether he's insulting tranny pageant contestants, blackmailing the president for charity (but it's for the kids!), or publicly hitting on his own daughter (all in a day's work), the Donald never fails to express his noble opinions with all the eloquence of Mel Gibson, on crack.
As a result of his not giving a fuck that everyone hates him, it's basically impossible to stay on top of how many people he's pissing off at any given moment. What someone needs to tell him is, you are nowhere near hot enough to do this. Donald might think he's being bold and exercising his first amendment right to #1 talk shit, but using that right to call Rosie O'Donnell a fat loser doesn't exactly earn him any insight points. I mean it's not as if they don't have the exact same number of chins, and we may not be successful financiers but we can definitely count to three.
And Donny, while we had our calculator app open for its once annual usage just now, we actually got into some more advanced math and found that the only two people in America arguably more obnoxious than you, Lady Gaga and Kim Kardashian, have 15 and 8 times as many twitter followers as you, respectively. In other words, you even suck at sucking. We can hardly begin to understand why considering your timeline is full of Confucian gems like this:
So we think that pretty much covers it. We'll give him credit for one thing though, ironically it's his major contribution to society as well as the one thing everyone wishes they could say to him, and even that's only two-thirds of this last sentence. You're fucking fired.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing