April 12, 2013
"North Korea scares the shit out of me" - every betch
Despite our attempts to #2 stay far away from the news, unfortunately our dads know our phone numbers which they sometimes use to inform us of that which we don't care about, such as our spending habits or how his day was. So when they first tried to tell us that North Korea got into the nuclear bomb club we were like LOL ok dad, they don't even have #74 bottled water, alert me when they get a SoulCycle.
Unfortunately betches, North Korea is like the worst type of WGA, the kind who insists on talking about the size of his weapons of mass destruction (while keeping them suspiciously hidden), and hiring heavy PR to get Anderson Cooper to tweet at him.
Honestly, NK has been a stage 5 clinger since like 2005 and a totally weird SAB. Like, if you could chill with any celeb in the world and you go with Dennis Rodman, you either have really shitty decision skills or your high school tutor seriously overcharged. Either way, no nukes for you.
Kim Jung, we know you have a national holiday in the tundra you call your country and that everyone thinks you were born from the sun, but you're not even 30 yet so it's time to go out and celebrate. We've never been to war or anything but we promise pregaming is way more fun.
Seriously Kimmy, you mad because you lost the Olympics? Because your last name rhymes with no fun? Because your google results get confused with Kim Kardashian? Fine, we'd be a little mad too. And we get that your weed must suck due to the local famine we hear is happening, but just pop an imported Xanax and think, your citizens are skinnier than Africa. Let them eat cake.