February 18, 2013
As our first dead broast since famed douchebag Christopher Columbus, we introduce to you the tallest and arguably most famous president of all time: Abraham Lincoln.
So some of you might wonder why we're randomly even talking about Lincoln. Well besides the fact that it’s president’s day it’s because he was fucking awesome and is for some reason really trendy right now. Not only is Lincoln nominated for like 12 Oscars, but he’s all over the fucking media. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter anyone? Are you a patriot or are you a vampire? What we are is fucking impressed at this bro’s ability to stay relevant for like 150 years after getting shot in the head which is like way longer than Gianni Versace can say.
Sure he’s on our list of least fuckable presidents but upon second thought, he really belongs on our list of greatest historical non-douchey boyfriends. He let his wife Mary Todd run shit and essentially told the South to go fuck themselves when they thought they could start their own band. So thanks Abe, without you wemight never have Beyonce and Jay-Z.
Also, appearing on the $5 bill instead of the Benjamins is essentially like a bro who owns a black Rolls Royce instead of red Ferrari: he’s still awesome but doesn’t need to compensate for his small dick. Plus despite being known as Honest Abe he still enjoyed the occasional blunt so we know he’d be a non-shady dealer if he were around today.
So Lincoln will live on in our hearts along with the memories of JFK, John Lennon, and Tupac: awesome bros who died before their time and left an amazing legacy. Sure he didn’t technically free the slaves but most people give him credit. Kind of like those girls who insist you fucked a guy if you played just the tip. Always remember that four score and way more than that years ago our fathers brought back forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are sometimes douchey but mostly fuckable. America, fuck yeah.