August 31, 2012
As many of you already know, the US Open has started and what better way to kick off an open than to announce you're quitting? Yep, Andy Roddick has just announced he's dunzo with the big T. Why do we care? Well besides the fact that tennis is one of the few betchy sports out there, other than yoga, elliptical, soul cycle, and driving like a fucking idiot, he's always just kind of been the tennis pro we regarded as 'that hot one." While the Swiss, Spanish, and Serbian are training really hard and winning, Andy is that American who just chills. He wins
some one, he loses most all.
Most notable about Andy is the fact that he has 2 penises in his name (Rod; dick), and his hot model wife, Brooklyn Decker. According to our one source and dear friend Wikipedia, he and BrooksyBitch met through their agents... as in, Andy saw her in a Sports Illustrated magazine, had his people call her people, and boom, they were engaged. It's almost exactly like the plot of Just Go With It (a movie for which Brooklyn totally deserved an Oscar) except not at all.
We obviously love Andy because he's got that hot-ugly-hot thing going for him, but also because he's known for his epic breakdowns. We love a man with a dirty mouth who occasionally forgets to clean it with Orbit. During a match in the 2008 Austrailian open, an umpire made a bad call so Andy shouted from the rooftops: "You're an idiot! Stay in school kids or you'll end up being an umpire." Betchy.
Besides having the most popular serve, Andy's most famous for his longstanding relationship with his physical therapist and the tennis court floor. If you're not in the mood to play, you might as well blame it on various injuries, right? I meannnn, if that's the excuse we used to get out of gym all the time, why can't 'Dick use it too? I have a note from my tennis instructor saying I shouldn't expose myself to any training that might derail his teachings.
So cheers to you Andy Roddick, we hope you win tonight, and at least make it to some round that has the suffix 'final'. But if not, we'll miss you from the bottom of our hearts and court side seats.