January 11, 2013
With Justin Timberlake's weird ass narcissistic announcement yesterday that he's "ready" we thought for sure the Queen of Pop was finally ready to come out of the closet. Then we started reading websites and blogs and actually watched the video and realized that JT was merely introducing his new album and we were more disappointed than Mitt Romney on October 10th. And with his sudden relevancy we wouldn't help ourselves but to Broast a man who will forever remain in our heart's as Britney's ex boyfriend.
Justin Timberlake was a member of the famed Mickey Mouse Club before joining teen pop band N'Sync where due to his relationship with Britney, the fact that he wasn't secretly aflaming closeted homosexual (we think?), and the fact that he wasn't Joey Fat-1, he became the famous, hottest straight member of the boy group. After N'sync went under and all the other starts lost relevancy, Justin managed to stay glued to our pop culture radar by coming out with deep insightful songs like Cry Me a River and SexyBack.
But it wasn't until Justin started acting that we truly realized his Maybe Gay Bro potential. Like yes his time on SNL was very entertaining, but also extremely revealing. Dick in a Box? I mean, it quickly became clear that his boxed dick wasn't the only thing to come out of that video. From barely getting hard after seeing Janet Jackson's nipples at the Superbowl, to flamboyantly jumping around screens in Bad Teacher, the Social Network and that other movie that was exactly the same as No Strings Attached, JT definitely let his rainbow flag fly. But then he started to get annoying and we were pissed off that he was using both Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel as beards.
Elizabeth: Maybe next time we can dry hump without our clothes on.
Scott: I'm pretty sure I'd like that…..See you in the mañana.
Scott: Eat Pray Love, this...this is my favorite book too.
Amy Squirrel: What's your favorite part?
"Every relationship I've been in, I've overwhelmed the girl. They just can't handle all the love."
"I needed freedom to really express myself. That's really what Justified is about."
"There's nothing wrong with shooting for the stars."
Then in order to remain relevant Justin married Jessica Biel, who let's face it, anyone who's seen 7th Heaven knows is probably a lesbian and had probably the gayest wedding to ever grace the chapels of Italy. Justin played solely his own music at the wedding, dressed his bride in pink, and designed his own wedding tux. It was after this and his signature designed line of home décor goods that we anxiously awaited JT's arrival into the world of gay high fashion but shit, turns out his big announcement of 2013 merely just to say that he's coming out with a shitty yet probably fucking addictive new song. So in the wake of Justin's continued revelence we broast him for his pretty gay face and his accomplishment of making JC Chasez the least relevant member of our former favorite boy band. Cry Me a River JT, we know the real reason you're so sensitive.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing