June 21, 2012
In honor of his big 3-0, we’re here to pay homage to the hottest victim of early-onset male pattern baldness we know. Prince William. The way we see it, after 10 years of stringing Katie Mids along, P. Willy realized his golden years were disappearing faster than his golden hairs, and he was like, fuck it, grandmum's gonna kill me if I don’t knock a bitch up soon, gotta lock it down.
So what do you get for the pro who has everything but a full head of hair? His very own broast and like, maybe some Rogaine. Here’s ten reasons why we’d still be up for getting down with this bro:
9. He plays polo, which is like, the hottest fake sport of the moment.
8. He was hit on the head with a golf club as a child, and his scar unofficially inspired JK Rowling to write Harry Potter. All the glam of a multimillion dollar franchise without having to ever be poor. Winning.
7. He doesn’t wear a wedding ring. Like just in case you weren’t one of the 20 million who tuned into THE royal wedding, he could just be another English bloke in riding boots trying to get it in.
6. At said royal wedding, he was prescribed his own
pills person, whose sole job was to calm his anxiety.
5. His only public scandal was a boob-grab caught on camera. See above.
4. When he turned 21, the Royal Mail issued 20 million stamps with his picture on them. That’s slightly cooler than the bottle of Grey Goose bestowed upon us.
3. His former crushes include Pamela Anderson, Cindy Crawford and Baby Spice. Oh, and he turned down Britney Spears. If this bro has a type it's unclear to us. Anyway instead of becoming princess of Wales, Brit Brit went on to become princess of pop, and then she copied the prince and went bald. So basically, he like, invented her.
2. He has no last name, much like Madonna and Socrates.
1. He’s $15.5 million hotter today.