August 3, 2012
If betches cared about sports or the Olympics, we would have spotted this fuckable bro four years ago when he came in second to ugly hot bro Michael Phelps. However, it's clear to us that Phelps is so last season and this is the summer of Lochte. He is ten times hotter than Phelps will ever be and is winning some serious gold. In honor of this bro's birthday, we broast to you Ryan Lochte.
It has recently been made clear to us that superficiality has spread as far as the Olympics, as they are obviously only selecting the hottest people to be wet and half naked to represent the best fucking country ever.
Ryan has been a huge little douchebag since he exited the womb. As a child he got kicked out of his own father's swim class for pulling other children's legs, blowing bubbles, and hiding at the other end of the pool. His dad said he spent more time looking at himself in the mirror in the locker room than in the pool. Our kind of bro. Then in middle school he finally decided to take swimming seriously because he was "fucking sick of losing." Then the next day proceeded to be an Olympic gold medalist. Ry makes not doing work look easier than Nellie from My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding.
Like the traditional all American jock (pro, bro) Lochte is, he is low-key dumb as fuck, casually swimming through life solely on his looks. When asked what 7 x 4 was, he gave the wrong answer. If he were smart, which clearly he isn't, it would have more appropriate to respond with “fuck off” or refer to his iPhone calculator than to give the wrong response to a 3rd grade multiplication question. Oh, and if that's not dumb enough, he stole the phrase "Jeah!" which makes no fucking sense and pretended that he like, invented it.
As if all of this info doesn't make Ry betchy enough, he has 130 pairs of shoes including this gem which he's now selling with his clever phrase "Jeah!", again. Ryan is the frattiest asshole to ever grace the olympic podium, as exemplified by his proclamation that he's over the college dating scene at the ripe young age of twenty fucking seven.
Continuing the tradition of trademarking the Olympians, Lochte has decided his would be a grill. As in “let me see your grillz.” We're not going to lie, we would still (not) fuck him with that mouth full of metal. He has even admitted to preferring tanning oil over sunscreen, being late, and being a slut. His mother has even casually admitted that he only has time for one night stands. So thank you Lochte for giving us a reason to tune into the Olympics and gracing our TVs with your naked wet body.