Broccoli Burgers Are the Solution To Fat People Problems

By Betchy Crocker

So, you wanna detox before the clusterfuck of holidays responsible for those 5 lbs that will, without a doubt, be hanging off your thighs come New Year’s. The obvious approach is to fill your body with healthy shit like Vogue magazine, water, and vegetables which will make you feel full AND not add to your waistline. Broccoli burgers are the answer if fat problems are the question.

For those basic betches who LOVE broccoli and cheese soup in the bread bowl (look at you, eating carbs), this burger is the answer to your prayers.


·         1 large head of broccoli, chopped (should give you 4 cups)
·         Extra virgin olive oil
·         1 15-oz can chickpeas, drained and rinsed
·         2 tbsps Worcestershire sauce
·         1 tbsp Tabasco sauce
·         1 tbsp Dijon mustard
·         3 cloves of garlic, minced
·         Salt and pepper, to taste
·         ½ cup Italian style breadcrumbs
·         ¼ cup shredded cheddar cheese

Preheat the oven to 400F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper, then spread out your broccoli florets. Drizzle with a bit of olive oil, salt, and pepper and bake for 15 minutes. Set aside. In a large food processor, toss in the cooled broccoli, chickpeas, Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco, Dijon, garlic, salt, and pepper. Process the whole thing until smooth-ish but you can still see bits of chickpeas, then dump into a big bowl and mix in the breadcrumbs and cheese. Form about four or five burger-size patties – make sure you tightly pack them or else they’ll totally fall apart and no one will like you.

In a medium sauce pan, heat a bit of olive oil over medium heat. Cook each patty about 6-8 minutes per side, then remove to a plate. Top these healthy as fuck burgers with artisan buns, mayo, lettuce, and more hot sauce, because hot sauce just burns up all your calories.





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