September 11, 2014
Dear Bros That Randomly Start Grinding on Me,
Let me begin by asking a few questions:
1) Are you human?
2) Are you fully evolved?
3) Are you sure?
If you answered yes to all three questions, then I am seriously curious as to why the fuck you think it’s appropriate to randomly start rubbing your dick against me (a total stranger) in public. Maybe this is how the first three cave couples met, but I’m pretty sure that after that the cave betches were like, “Nah, at least make me a painting or something first.” Our society should be way, WAY beyond this, and I’m tired of feeling like human prey at the club just because I happen to be the hottest girl there.
Put yourself in our Louboutins. Imagine if something much bigger, hairier and sweatier than you just fucking enveloped you from behind out of nowhere and started thrusting itself on you. Sounds terrifying, right? It is. One minute I’m shaking my shit in an all betch dance circle, the next I have a leech hooked onto my ass slowly dragging me into a corner. What is this, The Haunting?
One of the worst parts about you casually deciding to grind on me unannounced is that I’m always the last person to know. I have to decide how unattractive you are based on how much my friends are alternatively laughing and cringing, at least until I can dismantle your bionic grip long enough to break free and get a look at you.
Another reason why I dislike you guys: you’re all fucking ugly. Never ever has a ten randomly started grinding on me because ten’s are actually civilized and don’t act like animals in order to get girls. After I immediately start ditching you you do something desperate like grab my hand or make puppy eyes at me. Oh, I’m sorry! Do I need an excuse for not wanting to be dry humped by you right now? FYI, I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS.
TBH, the whole thing is just plain insulting. What do you really think is going to be the result of your random grinding? If you think you’re going to go home with me tonight then I’m ordering you an Uber to the nearest mental hospital because you’re out of your fucking mind. This is not a game of tag. If you want to hook up with me either talk to me like a human being or become hot enough that I don’t care.
And you wonder why we like elevated surfaces so much (eye roll).