214. Brussels Sprouts

By The Betches

"Brussels sprouts are the nerdy girl in high school that got hot." - Jared Fried

When betches dine, they always scan the sides section on the menu because they say everything about the restaurant. Oh you don’t have lobster in your mac n cheese? What kind of poor establishment is this? Well that, and because sometimes a betch will take a side as her whole meal. So she doesn’t want to choose something too fattening but definitely something filling, delicious, and obviously trendy. Therefore our number one side dish is the highly chic and extremely farty vegetable Brussels Sprouts.

Remember when brussels sprouts were like the most universally hated most disgusting food and then suddenly someone decided to throw them in oil with salt pepper and garlic and charge us $15.00 for like six and we’re like OMG what is this godly creation!? Well it happened. Like, if this were three years ago and someone told you you’d not only be ordering but you’d be craving BRUSSELS sprouts during hungover Sunday Brunch you’d immediately tell them to go fuck themselves. But now you’re like, specially requesting/demanding the kitchen to make them for you from the dinner menu if they’re not available for brunch because you’re that big of an entitled bitch committed. 

The way in which a restaurant prepares its brussels determines the quality of the rest of its food. Here’s a quick guide:


Not too oily, not too dry. All sog no crisp means they probably don’t even know what truffle oil is: a brussel for the lower class. Restaurant might as well be Grade Pending. Ew.


Besides the standard seasoning, if a restaurant will add melted fine cheeses or pancetta you know they care about food. JABs it's okay to pretend not to know what pancetta is when ordering and eat it anyway when you realize it's bacon. 


Dark green leaves with a lighter green core. Brown burnt loose leaves mixed around. A brussel for queens. This type of restaurant will judge you for ordering tap water, so like, a place you want to be seen.

Other ways: 

Sometimes a restaurant will feel adventurous and decide to do brussels two ways or prepare them uncooked as a salad. You will order it anyway because you know you're dining in a really chic resto but you're secretly pissed off because how hard is it to get a fucking plate of fucking roasted brussels sprouts!? You will not say this out loud. 

So betches, next time you’re debating what you want to have for breakfast, lunch, or dinner just remember that you already know the answer. It’s green, it’s healthy, it’s fucking trendy, the answer is obviously brussels sprouts. 




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