BSCB Murders Girlfriend For Wearing Sweats To Date Night

By Betch Ivy Carter

The next time your boyfriend or girlfriend calls you out on overreacting for not texting you back, even though their read receipts are clearly on, kindly inform them they could have it a lot worse. They could, for instance, be dating Jessica Michelle Ewing, who murdered her girlfriend for showing up to date night in sweatpants. Harsh Jessica, maybe those sweatpants were the only thing that fit her right now? Also, why are you so fucking crazy?

Outside of clearly breaching the dress code of sexy date night, for which Jessica had purchased whipped cream and a special dress, poor, unassuming Samantha Shrestha made the mistake of telling her fatal attraction girlfriend that she was pretty much just experimenting. College, am I right?

Ewing, who received a 45-year sentence for the most batshit crime of passion of all time, claims that the murder wasn’t premeditated. She also cites a history of sexual and physical abuse as a possible reason for her actions. Cool motive, still murder.

You know how it goes. You’re hooking up, your partner is like “hey, this is casual right?” and you respond by fucking strangling them. Classic dating faux pas. Before you pass judgment, let she who hath not considered murdering someone for their choice in loungewear cast the first stone.





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