February 12, 2014
Shit, Valentine’s day is Friday. Whose idea was that? Valentine’s day, a holiday invented by Cathy comics to make single women feel bad about themselves, is also supposed to be a time when we express our love to those we love most, as though relationships endure without doing that regularly. The good news about Valentine’s day is that you only have to buy one gift for one person. That is, unless, you and your single betchfriends are having some fruity “single girls night out” event.
“Cheers to all my single girls! WOOOOOO!” [drinks Jonestown kool aide]
For the rest of you, if you’re stumped as to what to get your baby daddy/online boyfriend/GrubHub delivery guy, consider the following last-minute gift ideas. Note that if you're freaking out going THERE'S NO WAY THESE WILL ARRIVE ON TIME, they do have these things called "stores."
Nothing says “I love you” like giving someone an antiquated timekeeping device that they’ll henceforth feel obligated to wear at all times. Also, nothing says “raging douchebag” like a guy who wears watches that cost more than a nice car. Avoid dipping your toes into those waters by getting him something like this, which looks like a man’s watch ought to and doesn’t require a second mortgage.
The thing with headphone cords is this: Fuck them. Fuck ‘em right to hell. These have a great battery life, superior sound quality and let you jam out wirelessly without looking like you’re wearing fucking wrestling headgear. I can personally attest that they stay securely on your head during even the most jostling P90X workouts. Plus, you can customize the headband with things like college and pro sports teams. OMG TOTES DORBZZZZZZZZZZ
Shit, that sounds good. I mostly put this on here because I want it, but also because bourbon and whiskey and “whisky” [wanking motion] and all that shit gets boring. Yes, I do very much enjoy certain varieties of Scotches. Sure, sometimes a little Jack in my diet coke is a nice change of pace from rum. Otherwise, there’s this ridiculous societal pressure going around for men to drink things like bourbon “neat” and pretend like it’s the greatest thing they’ve ever tasted. It’s not. Hint: your great-great grandfather only drank it that way because they hadn’t yet invented Coca Cola.
About $23, your nearest liquor store
There are few people in life more annoying than the nouveau-masculine douche canoes who insist upon shaving with a cake of soap and a fucking straight razor. They are willfully using a technology that hasn’t been improved upon since the Bronze Age in a misguided quest to appear “manly.” For those of us who see shaving as an inconvenience and not a form of expression, we need shaving gel. This is the greatest shaving product on Earth. The day I run out is the day I stop shaving. Plus, it’s from Australia. So exotic!
What’s the point of winter if not for getting fat? Some bros have no problem staying active. Others, not so much. The Fuelband is kind of like those pedometers (the kind that track your steps, not the kind that measures your level of pedophilia) you see dweebs wearing around the office, only more interactive. It measures intensity, counts steps, and all that good shit. It can also create reminders for when he’s being too much of a fatass and needs to move more.