WTF Is Going On With The California Drought?

By Miss Ameribetch

First of all, to commenters that think “getting political” isn’t betchy, we have three words for you: Jackie, Michelle, and Hilary. Being a betch means being a boss, and whether you’re Democrat or Republican, that means being informed (when we want to be). Fucking duh. That being said, reading the news is boring, so we’re going to break down the drought for you in simpler terms.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’re probably aware to some degree of California’s water problem.  But even if you’re a California betch, you might not know exactly what this means, other than restaurants no longer offering you water unless you request it. How bad is it, really?

So basically, it’s pretty bad. Remember when Josh Hartnett couldn’t have sex for 40 days and 40 nights? So it’s like that, but it’s 4 years, and instead of sex, it’s water.  Literally, California cannot get wet.

It’s so bad that the governor has declared a state of emergency, asking people to use 25% less water as a state. If you’ve ever gone out to a bar and thought, “I’m not going to drink that much tonight,” you’ll know it’s pretty hard to do.  This means not watering your lawns, not washing your car at home, and turning that shower off when you wash your hair, among other things.  As a state, California has to cut back, or they’re going to run out of water within a year. That is scarier than accidentally swiping right on a shirtless guy named Broham on Tinder.

Here’s the thing. California contains a lot of desert land. And a lot of agriculture. Which requires a lot of water. It’s a state that uses tons of water and doesn’t get a ton.  That “always sunny” weather everyone loves so much about California is also the reason there’s a drought right now.

If California’s situation doesn’t improve, it’s going to be thirstier than Taylor Swift at a boy band concert. And nobody likes a thirsty bitch. Isn’t California literally next to the ocean? Yes, but the ocean is full of salt  - though there is research being done to possibly use ocean water to supply the state. (It’s been done in the Middle East.) But it should be done carefully, since disrupting the balance of water levels can harm sea life, fishing, etc. Basically, it’s all about balance… like when you’re texting a bro.

Hopefully this dry spell will end and some miracle will make it rain in California. In the meantime, you’re going to notice prices of produce going up. Yes, this means guacamole is going to cost even more. Almonds are going to get hit hard too, so if you’re an almond milk drinker, maybe give soy a try.

This summer is about to get a lot hotter and dryer, according to people who know these things.




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