194. Calling Out The Serial Cheater

By The Betches

John Mayer. Hugh Grant. Tiger Woods. Eddie Cibrian. Jesse James. Jude Law. Ryan Phillippe. 

The time has come for us to #88 stop and chat about a specific type of SAB whom every betch knows. He makes nicegirls cry almost more than we do, he's the bro we've voted Most Likely to Passcode His iPhone, and he's singlehandedly to blame for Taylor Swift's career. He's the Serial Cheater.

The serial cheater is tricky to pin down because assholish-ness comes from the inside, unlike chiseled abs and a strong jawline. Some are big and some are still waiting for their baby dicks to drop. Some are smart and some are simply getting away with it. Some are hot, many are ugly hot and plenty are just plain. That was fucking poetic, like the sweet nothings they whisper text to their multitude of girls on the side.

Yet when a SC is outed, we find that in their actions they’re basically all the same, usually falling into one of two major categories: He's either faux-obsessed with his girlfriend, or he openly couldn’t give less of a shit about her (who would've guessed?).

The Cheater Who's Faux-Obsessed With His GirlFriend

Let us begin to clue you in. If he’s this type, this seemingly “perfect guy” will walk around his apartment subjecting his roomies to rants about how the bitch he's dating is his fucking dream girl...probably before serenading this girl with his own version of Dave Matthews Band's "Dreamgirl" "I'm Pussy Whipped" ...because he also probably pretends to play the guitar. He’s cool with appearing attached to this girl and has even convinced himself of this un-truth. He'll swear that he wants to put a ring on it and has charmed his girlfriend’s friends/mom/fam/etc. He’s the type who's affectionately ‘liking’ every mup of his gf and her friends together, but when this bro is cuddling with his gf, he’s actually just spooning with the idea of himself as a good boyfriend.

He cheats because...

...he secretly suspects that he fucking sucks. This bro worries that he’s got every girl who loves him fooled, right down to his mother. And sure, split-personality psychopath Sebastion Valmont may feel a lot of guilt over being the bad guy, but let’s get real betches – this bro is not confused because he’s a cheater, he’s a cheater because he’s confused.

The Cheater Who DGAF About His Girlfriend

Moving on to type B: the SC who probably thinks being exclusive just means he doesn't need to use a condom anymore. This version of the serial cheater simply cannot deprive anyone of his glory, or to put it in other terms: he’s a man slut who works a boyfriend gig part-time. This bro is fun-loving, usually charming and can’t help it that he’s so popular and everybody wants to fuck him. What is monogamy, baby don’t hurt me? He casually keeps the lights off when it comes to the status of his relationship, or he fails to mention it entirely. Even his besties are vague.

He cheats because...

...though this type of SC may be kind of harmless, similar to a betch with a time commitment before 12pm, they’re probably just not there yet. Don’t take this cheater personally. It’s not necessarily that he’s just not that into you. He’s just so into himself.

The truth is, as long as you don't delude yourself about them, they’re also not your fucking problem. True betches recognize that the SC is not a challenge or a game like his shady asshole tendencies make him out to be. He’s actually just a boring dead end. Still, even the sharpest betch may someday find herself accidentally chained to the balls of a bro who can’t keep it in his pants, and to that we say: Let him fool you once, shame on him, but let him fool you twice, and you’re like, really nice.

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