January 7, 2015
From the miraculous moment betches came out of their mother’s pissed off vagina, we knew we had the ability to manipulate the world around us. All it took was a look at our fathers. Those admiring eyes told us that from here on out, we’re calling the shots. It’s no coincidence that any good betch’s first word was a strategic “da da”. Just because a betch-in-training isn’t potty-trained yet doesn’t mean she doesn’t know what the fuck she is doing.
Betches everywhere have trained their dads to literally be obsessed with them. Obviously, this is great when a betch needs money. But just as important, a well-trained father has learned that anytime, any hour, any day, he better answer your fucking phone call. Because you might have a question.
Betches are clearly brilliant at anything that matters, like networking events or looking good. But when it comes to real world boring things, such as how to write a check, or make Comcast come to your house, or where you keep your frying pan, you might just not know and need to call someone. That's why Daddy is on speed dial.
Calling your Dad for literally anything is an incredible way to keep in touch with him and let him know you're thinking of him. Sure, it may be his birthday, but calling him in a screaming panic that your car is making a weird noise is a sure way to remind him that you're wishing him a happy day.
So betches, next time you need to know how to pay a water bill, pump gas, make shit up on a résumé, sound knowledgeable on a date with an investment banker, change a battery, get an internship, or cook a piece of chicken, call your Dad and ask him how. Or else he might think you're independent enough to go off his health insurance plan. And betches know that they'd also need to call their dad to find out exactly what that means, but it sounds super shitty.