January 6, 2015
Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden got married yesterday, which is nice but also super fucking bizarre. The best thing to come out of this union is that Cam and Nicole Richie are sisters-in-law. Nicole's resting betch voice and Cam's botox frozen face would make any conversation between the two of them the most expressionless exchange in the world. Maybe Cameron can make an appearance on Candidly Nicole - but probs not.
Although, Cam is married to the less famous Madden brother, that’s not really saying much, since the Madden brothers haven’t really been famous since like 2005. Either way, Cameron Diaz, the hottest Charlie’s Angel, got married to him after only seven months of dating. Normally I would totally spread the rumor that she got knocked up and it’s a shotgun thing, but Cammy has totally been against children since day 1. She doesn’t want to ruin her body, God bless her.
Her bridesmaids were hippy jungle freak Drew Berrymore and former Betch of the Week, Nicole Richie. She wanted to keep the whole thing private she said, until she could like publicly tell everyone through People magazine, obvi. Madden was part of the band “Good Charlotte” and helped us find our true purpose in life - “girls don’t like boys, girls like cars and money.” And since then he’s pretty much done nothing but get tattoos and wear fedoras, which is a lifestyle choice we immediately question.
Either way, kudos to the happy couple. Hope your life is full of love and what not, instead of a lifetime of regret for not marrying Justin Timberlake. Just sayin.