Betches Love This City: Cancun

By The Betches

Cancun is the fucking OG of Mexican spring break destinations. Betches have been getting blackout on margs at Senor Frogs since basically the dawn of time (and way before the first pioneering JABS set foot at a PV day party). Cancun is an amaze place to rage on spring break, especially because it was literally built to be a spring break city. Look it up. It is seriously difficult to find an establishment that is not all-inclusive, and what more could a betch want than unlimited tequila and a pool bar?

The first thing a betch spring breaking in Cancun needs to know is the difference between Cancun the city, and the “Zona Hotelera” otherwise known as betch heaven and the only part of Cancun she will be setting her Havaianas in. The hotel zone is basically one long road with all the hotels and clubs, which is perfect for betches with no sense of direction.

Where To Stay: Betches who prefer luxury (aka a jacuzzi in every room) and who choose their hotels based on how cool they are to geo tag, will stay at the Hard Rock or Me Cabo. Other super betchy hotels include any of the many Riu Palaces (good luck trying to explain to your Mexican cab driver that you’re staying at the Riu Palace Grand not Grand Riu Americana when you’re blackout at 3 am) or the Omni (which no betch can leave without taking an insta on the beach swings).

The Oasis Cancun has the most insane day parties, but that shit can get ratchet and all the bros staying there have weirdly large tattoos and no problem roofying you. Other Oasis brand hotels are also an option for betches, preferably the Grand Oasis Palm so you can laugh at all the povos at the normal Oasis Palm from your beach cabana. “Solo Grand” is the new VIP room.

Note: guard your hotel wristband with your life, that shit is worth more than your Cartier Love bracelet and the people at the front desk Nazis will force you to starve to death on the side of the road if you lose it.

^ How to get diseases 101

Day Time: Day is the perfect time for betches to take full advantage of all the alcohol their resort has to offer. It is completely necessary to start drinking mimosas at breakfast (you def aren’t drinking the water anyway) and proceed to have a constant stream of mixed drinks throughout the day while you alternately dance to pounding music and take group pics. Betches know to order min 3 drinks at once since each is basically a sugar water with a drop of vodka.

At night: Betches head to any of the clubs clustered in a two block radius of “downtown.” Betches will pregame at Senor Frogs before partying at The City, Palazzo, Dady’o, or Mandala Beach Club. Clubbing in Cancun is amaze because all the clubs are fucking huge and multilevel, giving betches many elevated surfaces to dance on. If being handed tequila shots while standing on the actual bar isn’t heaven, I don’t fucking know what is. Betches will plan to go to Coco Bongo just because there are so many fucking posters for it everywhere, but the line will be long as fuck and its like a show or something so you actually have to wait. Instead she will just take a pic in front of the sign and go back to Dady’o (which also wins points for being the only club with the decency to give you straight shots of vodka instead of the mystery blue shit the rest of the clubs give you).

While betches usually hate public transportation, they make an exception for the blackout ride to and from the clubs on the 10 peso Mexican bus, which runs up the only street in the hotel zone and is basically a fucking party bus on spring break. Make sure not to spill the drink you’re holding on a local who is already glaring at you, make sure to be paying attention to where your hotel is. Rely on the blacked out bros you’re with and you will end up in the middle of fucking nowhere and probs kidnapped.

Cancun’s insane popularity means a lot of trashy bitches from rando Midwestern schools taking wet T-shirt contests way too seriously.  This is actually a good thing, because they give betches something to talk shit about besides the fact that your bestie hooked up with the bro that was pouring tequila into your mouth first last night.

So betches, make sure to enjoy that seventh tequila shot of the morning and remember, Cancun hit it first.




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