Why Betches Love Candles

By Miss Ameribetch

Ever since we blew out the first candle on our birthday cake, betches have been a fan of the wax and wick accessory. Maybe because Lumiere so captured our hearts in Beauty and The Beast, or maybe just because we like shiny things, there’s something about candles that makes a betch’s cold heart light up.

As a child we were told not to play with fire, and as an adult we’ve learned it’s one of our favorite things to do.  We may not always have our shit together on Sundays, but you can bet a betch’s home decor will include an expensive candle collection for every season. It’s a well known fact that everybody looks good in candlelight and having candles around the house is like a real life Instagram filter. We recommend going more for the nature and spice scents rather than edible smells, unless you want your apartment to smell like a fat girl’s couch, but to every betch her scent.

Candles are betchy because they’re expensive and make everything we cook look Instagram worthy. Some point in our American history, Benji Franky discovered electricity and then the idea of using candles for light became as antiquated as Miley’s VMA performance. Now that we no longer need them to see, we like them even more. What’s the point of owning things we need? 

Next to a nice Restoration Hardware ensemble and a warm kitchen with a marble island, nothing sets the mood in a bro’s apartment like some well placed lit candles. We can’t help but let our icy walls melt a little when a bro hands us a glass of whisky with the scent of Autumn Pine in the air.

When we eventually do settle down into our manor/ranch/castle in our later betch years, our love of candles will transition to tapered dinner candles, perfect for a long dinner table we’ll sit at while we discuss our prenups with our family attorney. Until then, we’ll keep blowing candles out for every 21st birthday we celebrate. Cheers.




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