Canned Pumpkin Is A Goddamn Lie

By Betchy Crocker

It’s recently been brought to our attention that canned pumpkin is a goddamned lie.

We aren’t kidding. Articles detailing the truth have come out, and this is a bigger October surprise than the muppet running for president grabbing people by the pussy. Like, was anyone shocked by that? Anyone? Bueller? Yah didn’t think so. Moving on to other orange things though:

What’s in it?

So, the famous Libby’s Pumpkin Puree that you buy in stores after seeing entire aisles full of it come autumn is actually mostly squash. WHAAA? Ok calm. According to the internet, the puree is usually a blend of MAYBE some pumpkin, butternut squash, Hubbard squash, Boston Marrow squash (wtf?), and Golden Delicious squash which, honestly, is the name of an apple and is unnecessarily confusing.

Why squash?

Not surprisingly, a lot of those squash varieties are sweeter, denser, less stringy, and richer in color than pumpkin, which can be kinda shitty overall. Even more importantly, the USDA doesn’t give a shit if a company says something is pumpkin when it’s actually squash because it’s all the same variety of shit.


When the USDA got asked wtf they considered pumpkin puree, they responded with, “The canned product prepared from clean, sound, properly matured, golden fleshed, firm shelled, sweet varieties of either pumpkins and squashes by washing, stemming, cutting, steaming, and reducing to a pulp.” Huh. Well, I guess I’ll just go fuck myself.

So the moral of the story is this: If you’ve been using Libby’s or pretty much any generic brand of pumpkin puree, you’re making some delicious butternut squash pie. If you really want the real thing, grab a pumpkin, roast it, skin it, remove the seeds, puree it, add seasonings and make a fucking pie.

That’s too much work—fuck that—if you need me, I’ll be eating my squash pie.




Powered by Disqus




Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login