September 2, 2015
Canada, a vast wilderness to the north known for its lumber, cheap prescription drugs and french fries covered in gravy, is on suicide watch. That's because their most famous and important residents, singer Avril Lavigne and Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger, announced their separation today after just two short, blissful years of Canadian marriage (it's like a regular marriage, but with more denim and flannel). Lavigne, somehow, pulled it together long enough to announce the split on Instagram. Many thousands of people "liked" the post, which says to me that there are a lot of vengeful Americans out there, jealous that they can never have what our neighbors to the north cherished, however briefly.
It is with heavy heart that Chad and I announce our separation today. Through not only the marriage, but the music as well, we've created many unforgettable moments. We are still, and forever will be, the best of friends, and will always care deeply for each other. To all our family, friends and fans, thank you sincerely for the support.
She notes that the two will remain "the best of friends," which is a lie people keep telling for some reason. I don't even know what's real anymore. Fuck, man, to think I almost lost it when Nick and Jessica split so many years ago. Since then, we've had to endure the splits of Selena Gomez from Justin Bieber, Zayne from One Direction, One Direction from themselves, and Taylor Swift from whoever she last dated, probably a Jimmy John's delivery driver, or something.
RIP, Chavril. As I look at this photgraph, I'm reminded that life's like this you, you fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get and you turn it into. This is how you remind me.
Head Pro decided that if Instagram is good enough for announcing an international event like this, it's good enough for him, too. He makes all of his own jokes, and his mom laughed at one and said it was funny. Find him at @betchesheadpro..