June 3, 2015
Pretty Little Liars, your favorite show and mine, has risen from the ashes like the phoenix, or Miley Cyrus after passing out with her bowl on her lap. Are the Liars Christ-like? No, mostly because Jesus was a man and I don’t count Paige as one of them, but also because Jesus managed to move a fucking boulder to escape his confines, while the Liars were befuddled by an electric fence that was predictably not electrified for several minutes every night.
Since the four main besties were never apart in this episode, they don’t each get their own breakdown. Sorry. Draw some horrible portraits of them and then beg on their instagram accounts for them to look at your drawing and follow you if you want an individual relationship with them, preferably with a lot of emoticons. I hear that works well.
We meet the girls where we last saw them, trapped behind a fence so high it would give anti-immigration nuts an erection and wearing the finest prom dresses Deb had to offer in 2006.
(Oh, on the way out they run into a creepy-looking other girl, dressed in Ali’s uniform like Mona. Spoiler alert, it’s that other girl from like three towns over who got abducted like two seasons ago. Not important)
For the time being, the girls are stuck, as we see by a montage that shows them huddling together in torrential rain under Spencer’s dress. Who drew the short stick and had to be naked for the greater good? At one point they fear for their lives, asking how long they can go without food or water, ignoring the fact that there was just plenty of water falling on their heads, and that by now the dirt should be soft enough to dig out from under the fence that conveniently ends at ground level. Take off those Payless pumps and get to shoveling, girls!
Emily: “This fence is like a giant lightning rod.” Good, that means that you aren’t one!
Anyway, eventually A/Charles wears them down enough that when he opens the bunker doors and asks them to come back in, they say “yes, this seems like a good idea.” A gasses them, but gives Mona her gas mask back. Good guy A: Gives you a gas mask as a present; brings it to you anyway after you reject him.
They wake up naked on coroner’s tables (Paige would be so jelly), and they brilliantly conclude that A wants to make it look like they’re dead so their families stop looking for them, even though that would have the opposite effect. Mona, back in her Ali role (even though A/Charles should know by now she’s not that into it), come back for no reason. They’re instructed to go to their old rooms, where a “surprise” awaits them. Screaming.
Three weeks pass. The girls emerge from their rooms, traumatized and not wanting to talk about what happened. Did A rape them? I think he raped them. That’s fucked up. Were people not taking this seriously enough that they had to turn A into a rapist? They’re led into another room where it’s revealed that DUN DUN DUN, Ali’s going to join them!
We learn that Alison’s murder conviction was overturned, though it’s not clear how since no one knows Mona is alive. We see that Ali has been doing two things since she’s been out of prison: Eating well, and not using her Clarisonic. She delivers a weepy speech to the media:
“My friends have always been my rock. Except for the times I was terrible to them, which was most times.”
The police have a bad plan to lure A/Charles to Alison’s house, which Alison recognizes as fucking stupid and instead plans her own ruse to escape into the loving arms of Master Hacker Caleb and Ezra. Their plan is to plant a tracking device on Ali and send her to meet A/Charles, which has never ever backfired.
Caleb: “This had better not be a colossal mistake.” Same.
A/Charles has a car waiting for Ali to drive to meet him, which conveniently has exactly enough gas to get her to where the GPS is programmed to take her. It’s a good thing that Ali drives according to EPA recommendations, and that A/Charles wasn’t using Apple Maps instead. He’s also left clothes for her to change into when she gets there, rendering the tracking device useless. Girl, it wouldn’t have been my first choice either, but betch to betch we both know of some places you could have put that thing in the name of safety. Ali eventually treks to the middle of the state park, where she stands around for what feels like a long time.
Once the girls have been re-captured/gang raped, Mona spends most of her time in a pit as some kind of “punishment,” idk. She cries about it a lot. Like, yeah, being in a dark pit would be traumatizing, but get your shit together. At least you don’t have to pretend to be Ali anymore, meaning you don’t have to consume 4,000 calories per day.
About the time Ezra and Caleb catch up to Ali, The Liars have somehow figured out that they can move between rooms through the ventilation system, which they use to find A/Charles’ screening room/jerkoff lounge. Once they realize that he’s watching them mess with all of his personal stuff, they do what anyone would do in an enclosed space with no obvious exit: Light shit on fire. A/Charles doesn’t know what to do - does he go outside and scoop up Ali, or does he stand with his nose to the screening room window, hoping that The Liars remove the curtain that’s obscuring his view. He opts for the latter. They run back into the dungeon, where they find Mona. A/Charles runs… somewhere.
Ezra and Caleb notice the smoke coming from the ground (seriously, who the fuck did A contract to build this bunker system in a state park without alerting the authorities?), and conveniently find the poorly camouflaged entrance as the police arrive. The girls escape. They find that other girl. Spencer hugs Mona until she sees Toby and is like “lol bye, the hole wasn’t that bad.” The end. Tune in next week when Emily learns how to shoot a gun, because of course they chose Emily for that.
- Where is A/Charles now?
- Is he really a Dilaurentis, or whoever the police think he is?
- If he is a Dilaurentis, is he related to Giada, and can he cook?
- Where did Mona poop when she was in that hole?