Cheerleader Syndrome & Its Effect on Bros Everywhere

By Sabrina the Teenage Betch

We’ve never been too confident in the ability of guys to positively judge girls that aren’t us, but we have our reasons. One of these is something called Cheerleader Syndrome, and you’ve no doubt experienced it on multiple occasions even if you haven’t referred to it by name. This is the instant attraction of bros to girls who have busted faces, literally only because they are also skinny and blonde. If you’re confused about how this could possibly be a thing, then good. You’re probably a girl or my future husband.

Let’s first talk about the cheerleaders themselves, because a few things need to be clarified right away. When I use the term “busted face” I don’t mean a questionable five who doesn’t happen to be my cup of tea. I’m talking like E.T. level busted to the point where it doesn’t even remotely make sense that she’s getting hit on. This is obvi not her fault, so all questions/ comments/ concerns about CS should be directed to the bros that make it possible.

List of Bro Observations When Noticing a Cheerleader

1. She’s blonde.
2. She’s extremely not fat.

End of observations, en route to talk to her.

For bystanders with functional vision, Cheerleader Syndrome can be irritating and even downright offensive. When out at night, bros will often choose cheerleaders as the first girls they hit on, buy drinks for and generally dote upon. The cheerleaders love it because why wouldn’t they? And in the meantime, everyone else (friends included tbh) is exchanging worried glances and wondering WTF is happening.

To say that CS is a specific version of beer goggles, or that guys only target these girls because they look “slutty,” would be wrong. There have been multiple instances of CS reported during daylight hours and with sober bros who refer to them as “hot.” While there are fewer of these than nighttime occurrences, they’re definitely the most concerning because all you can do is agree to disagree and question whether he should be able to legally drive.

Unsurprisingly, cheerleaders and the bros that chase them never end up winning in the long run. If the guy pursues her for longer than a night (rare), he will lose interest quickly and without explanation. The cheerleader will chalk it up to him being a douche, and he'll chalk it up to her being boring or anything else besides what actually happened: him actually becoming aware of what she looks like.

I wish it were more complicated than this, but it’s really not. For all the bros out there, feel free to take longer than three seconds to choose your love interest for the evening. Otherwise, “U-G-L-Y” you’re a fucking idiot.




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