The Chicago Cubs Won The World Series Or Whatever

By LaBetch James

The Chicago Cubs have won their first World Series championship since 1908. Apparently it's a big deal or some shit for people in Chicago, because they basically tried to burn the city to the ground. And the unofficial Chicagoland Scanner Twitter account documented the entire thing, so we can all judge and laugh from afar at people who actually care about sports.

The shitstorm started when the Cubs like, hit a home run. They hadn't even won yet at that point, but everyone started running toward Wrigley Field like a fucking lunatic.

But then things really escalated quickly. The drunk Cubs fans usurped police control and "took over the streets." If this is what people do after a baseball game, I'm barracading myself inside my apartment on the night of November 8th.

Then, in classic rioting fashion, unsuspecting cars were the poor subjects of retaliation and celebration. 

TBH, this is the only part of the night's events that I can totally relate to.

My ass would have been in bed six hours ago at this point.

The drunk assholes of Chicago then headed to the next logical destination for their celebration: the Shell gas station. Did they learn nothing from Zoolander?

And then at 2:30, it seemed time to just really get violent. Bottles of Bud Light were thrown, which is the only acceptable use for Bud Light, anyway.

There you have it, betches. Exhibit A of why Cubs fans are fucking crazy, and we give negative fucks about sports—it's just the safer option.




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