Chris Brown Got Fat

By Betch Waldorf

Sure, he’s a shitty person and we totally get that, but if Chris Brown has had anything going for him, it has been his looks. I mean if he wasn’t at least somewhat attractive, I doubt Rihanna would have dated him twice, right? It’s not like his music is that great. But lately Chris has been lacing his joints with Caltine bars or something because he’s totally put on a few pounds. It’s not quite as bad as Rob Kardashian, but people hate Chris more so it’s obvi way funnier.

Last week Chris was photographed in a swim suit while vacationing and there was def some new additions of flab to his stomach. I’m wondering if this is a sick kind of karma that was maybe delayed a few years or if he put on the prison 15? Is his community service for probation fucking taste testing for Taco Bell? Whatever it is, he needs to “Run It” on a motherfucking treadmill. 

People say that maybe he’s recovering from addiction and he’s gained weight through sobriety. I’m going to venture to say probs not though, because the whole reason he went to prison is because his rehab facility told him to GTFO. And honestly, who cares about defending him? He’s always been a fat douche bag, and now he’s literally fat and still a douche bag. When the universe gives you gifts like this, you don’t fucking question it. You just roll with it.

Clearly we can all conclude that Chris Brown did not find Jesus while in the slammer, but instead discovered carbohydrates and butter. I’m sure his managers are no longer saying “Yo, dat look is phat!” (because that’s what all people in the Hip Hop business say, right?) and are now like “Yo, you’re actually looking really fat, like forreal, get your shit together.” I can’t help but find it funny tbh. Maybe that makes me a bad person but it’s not like I gave a shit about that anyways. Sorry Chris, those rolls ain’t loyal.




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