January 10, 2014
So for the past few days Chris Christie, our favorite Santa Claus doppelganger, has been in some deep shit over a traffic jam that happened...wait for it...last year. For those of you who don't remember completely irrelevant and mundane occurrences, on the first day of school in New Jersey last fall there was some sort of lane closure on the George Washington Bridge which led to all the little kiddies being late for school. (The horror!)
While most people would be able to forget about that time they sat in traffic for hours FIVE MONTHS AGO, this clearly caused some degree of post traumatic stress for some people because the story is coming back to haunt poor
little Chris. Now when he tries to run for president in 2016 everyone's going to be all like, but what about that time you made us sit in traffic!? What will you do about all the troops still in Afghanistan cars stuck in the HOV lane?!
So how does one man cause a massive traffic problem on command without deliberately crashing his own car? Honestly we're not completely clear if this is actuallyyyy directly his fault (we love giving people the benefit of the doubt, you know?), but obviously he's riding this one out using the eternally effective "deny till you die" technique.
Now we hear there were some emails uncovered between the clowns in his administration discussing the plan to cause major traffic for political reasons to make some of his opponents look bad or something. Some form of revenge it seems. However he obviously doesn't watch the show Revenge, because if he did he would know that revenge is best served subtly, by taking karate lessons and changing your name.
But I mean, if I were Chris Christie I would've just pointed out that his entire brand is based on his being extremely blunt and not playing games even when what his position is not favorable (like telling people to evacuate the Jersey Shore instead of dying in Hurricane Sandy). Therefore if he wanted to cause a traffic jam, he would've just stood in the one of the lanes for a few minutes, duh.
Now if you didn't get why we don't #2 keep up with the news, it's because things like this confuse the shit out of us. Like, only in politics do people come up with the sick twisted idea that causing a lot of traffic (in an area where there is ALWAYS a fuck ton of traffic to begin with) will somehow advance their careers. But who are we to judge? We know desperation drives people to wild places (no pun intended).
So whether or not he caused this on purpose (probably), or had someone cause it on his behalf "without consulting him" (again, probably), there are lots of lawsuits being filed against him (How dare you make me sit in traffic!? Emotional distress alert!!), and he fired some peeps and claimed he had nothing to do with it. And then yesterday he apologized...because he didn't do anything wrong.
If you take anything away from this sitch, just stay out of Jersey. Which you should already be doing. All I know is that next time I'm sitting in a car for too long I'll no longer wonder what kind of massive accident is up ahead, I'll be googling which politician is trying to get elected this year.