April 17, 2013
In honor of the high holy 420 almost upon us, it's time to honor a city known for its year round relationship with weed. We get that Anne Frank studied abroad here, but because no betch is looking to spend a whole semester in a stoned coma, most betches just go for a memorable/unmemorable weekend visit.
The betch who lives there: is either Yolanda Foster pre-immigration or a hippie with a blacklight and a Bob Marley poster in her room. Regardless it is pretty betchy to live not just in regular Netherlands, but THE Netherlands.
The betch who visits: will spend her entire trip extremely fucked up and by the end of the weekend might pretend to both know and care about the different weed strains at The Bulldog and de Dampkring, where it will also be necessary to drop the fact that they filmed Oceans 12. In search of Dutch culture, a betch will stay at the Marriott where the beds are made of marshmallow clouds.
Being in Amsterdam is also the only truly betchy excuse to forgo your #5 diet. This includes the obligatory trips to the Pancake Bakery and the Heineken Factory to take pictures of giant gold barley vats and to obtain proof that you and your besties have indeed drank beers in your lifetimes. Finally, be sure to class up your trip by going to see Justin Bieber's empathetic note in Anne Frank's guest book and an authentic Red Light District sex show.
The cultured betch will make note of: how pretty the city is despite its shitty weather, the superior quality of the stroopwafels and french fries, and how she always imagined Anne Frank's attic being way more cramped. No offense but it's true. She will also question why the city requires a giant name tag. U amsterdam? No shit.
The betch avoids: prostitutes, the excessive bike lanes, and bad batches of shrooms. There's no quicker way to ruin your educational yet hallucinogenic trip to the Van Gogh Museum than eating some bad shrooms and then thinking an oil painting is about to rape you.
So betches, if you haven't been yet, get to Amsterdam stat. We hear they're making tourist weed illegal, so do the #36 work and book your flight now. But remember that unlike most of your worldly and cultured travel, every betch who's been to the 'dam knows the real trip starts when you get there.