June 6, 2012
When you’ve been all over Europe a bunch of times and want to cultivate your outdoorsy side by doing things like skydiving, posing next to baby tigers and wearing flippers, there's no place to do it like Australia. If your deep seeded passions involve an appreciation for semester-long tans and blonde rugby players with hot accents, it's time to make the two-day journey across the world to Sydney, the betchiest spot in the Pacific.
If European gypsies aren't your thing you'll be refreshed by the rahndom aboriginals playing their didgeridoos everywhere. Whether or not you actually learned anything during your visit, or merely attended UNSW, Sydney is a haven for the explorer in every betch. Bungee jumping from cliffs? Swimming with dolphins? Surfing for one hour? The chill, adventurous betch with an aversion to foreign languages and an obsession with Ja'mie King is there and killing it on her four month island vaca.
During the Day You Should: Go to the horse races at Randwick, get absolutely trashed, and wear a really big stupid fucking hat.
Taronga Zoo is the prettiest zoo in the whole wide world, possibly even prettier than you. Go on a Harbor cruise for every holiday and make sure to get really drunk and sunburned. Anyone who's ever lived in ozone-less Australia knows the plight of the fair betch in the southern hemisphere.
After you've successfully quadrupled your likelihood of skin cancer, don't forget to stop by Paddy's Market for a ton of cheap Asian shit to get souvenirs for all the people back home who you're pretending to give a shit about. Or you could probably buy these even cheaper on your spring break to exotic Thailand. OMG I like, loooove pho!
The Opera House Tour/Opera Bar is really not that cool but you have to take pics in front of it or else your parents will be all like, why couldn't you just go get cultured in Europe, quel fucking dommage.
Finally to pretend to know about sports go to a football or rugby game and if you want to #77 shop for some aboriginal garb be sure to hit up the Westfield Mall in Bondi Junction. Or you could just go to the beach and call it a day.
You Shouldn't Go to Sydney: If you're not skinny and fun or you fear the marsupial. Also the weed kind of sucks but you can get drugs pretty easily. If all else fails, go to the Health Center and say you're homesick in exchange for a Xanax.
But more importantly, what's with this country's shit with vodka? Like if we wanted to chug boxed wine at pregames we would've stayed at college and gotten roofied at a neighboring frat house. Australians have beef with blacking out so BSCBs beware of getting kicked out of bars.
Also, make sure not to get killed by a native Australian animal. They're all poisonous and there's a 40% chance you will get eaten by a shark…shit happens. Finally, Sydney is not for the homophobic betch, as they do love their GBFFs. There's a gay Mardi Gras parade, and you'll have your choice of gay bars to chill at with your GBFFs on King and Oxford street.
At Night You Should: Go to Ivy Bar or the Argyle Hotel to meet rich, young Aussie guys. If you're looking to go down under with a pro in a suit while being classy, this is the place to go. Don't forget that buying a hot dog at the hot dog stand in the cobblestone courtyard means you're fat.
To #118 not branch out and only chill with Americans, go to World Bar where you get fucked up drinking drinks out of teapots.
On Wednesdays you'll go to Golden Sheaf at Bondi Beach which is outdoors and hopefully you'll be so skinny that you'll need the heat lamps to shield your skin and bones from the 60 degree weather. Make sure to hit up Cargo Bar and if you're a trashier bitch you'll definitely go to the Gaff and possibly enter a wet t-shirt contest at midnight run by an old creepy dude. Only go on Tuesday unless you're a GBFF looking to chill with a Gaff spelled backwards.
So betches, if you’re skinny and love being tan, Sydney is your abroad paradise. It should be noted that Australia is not for everyone. For the anal hard working betch, you might feel out of place and stifled by a lack of museums and churches to pretend to care about. So check out the great barrier reef and do your best to catch a glimpse of Liam Hemsworth. And for god sakes stay away from the bangers, barbie, and dunnys. In the wise words of Ja'mie King, "why don't you go fuck yourself, public school bitch."