Classic Types of Stoners: The Stoner Series

By The Betches

...Because no two stoners are alike.

The Spoiled Stoner

This type of stoner is an enigma to you and me. At the same time that she's chill enough to smoke all the time, she's absolutely not chill when it comes to anything else. For example where most stoner betches will settle for a salad or air to satisfy their munchies, this girl will be the one who insists on going to a Michelin starred restaurant after she gets high to get a Misti Salad and other words, salad and air.

The Stoner Who Follows Phish

Almost all smoke seshes with this character will spiral into a discussion about how amazing the music of Phish/Dave Matthews/Justin fucking Bieber is and how these artists have literally changed her life. Vom. Changing your life is for people with something to change.

The Stoner Who Everyone Wants to Smoke With

Your classic stoner betch, this is just the stoner in the bestie circle whose stoner habits make her chill enough for you to actually not talk shit about her.

The Loner Stoner

The weirdo who won't go out on Thursday because she's like reallyyy deep into season 4 of The Hills and the dynamic between Lauren and Kristin is too intense for you to walk away now. I mean, why would I want to move from this couch when I have all the weed and TV I'll ever need?

The Encyclopedia Brown Stoner

This girl is like a weed savant with a greater capacity for memorizing strains and designer stoner paraphernalia than Rainman. She's like a fucking sommelier with her ability to detect notes of orange kush or inside-a-California-growhouse flavors in weed, which all tastes exactly the fucking same to you.

The Funny Fat Stoner

Naturally stoner betches don't do things so horrific as get fat from smoking, but the longstanding exception is the funny fat friend who also happens to be a stoner. Not only that, but given the fact that she probably wants to be the next Rebel Wilson, she'll use any excuse she can to smoke you out while entertaining you. While it's a win-win for you because you're both high and entertained, it's ironically a lose-lose for her because she'll end up with less weed and more munchies. Who said life isn't you.

The One Who Always Wants To Get Their Pets High

Self explanatory.




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