July 13, 2015
Betches, we have some terrible news for you. As you all know, we fucking hate the cold and snow unless it means we’re on a ski trip in Vail with the promise of hot chocolate at the end of a few runs. Since we have a tendency to freak the fuck out in extremely terrible situations, we’re giving you ample time to prepare for this one. So here it is.
Scientists are predicting a mini ice age to occur within the next 15 years, probably the early 2030’s. We are so sorry. So basically what’s goning to happen is solar activity will drop by 60% around this time and that sucks because it’s probs going to take an extra three hours to get a decent tan in the summer (will summer even be a thing??). They haven’t seen such a low number of solar activity since the last ice age between 1645 and 1715. If this thing lasts that long I swear to God I'll lose it.
They’re calling it the next “Maunder Minimum.” When that happened the first time, the entire River Thames froze up. K. I can't even imagine anything worse than this past winter, and that was literally the worst.
So don’t say we didn’t warn you when in 15 years you find yourself locked inside your mansion with the heat blasting, forcing your butler to run out and buy you Kleenex and your chef to cook you 5 meals a day (#hibernation). You heard it here first.