August 13, 2014
There are a million and a half clichés about how to turn heartbreak into happiness. Well since betches don’t have a heart, these clearly don’t apply to us. However, there comes a time when you have to wave goodbye to that boy you lost your virginity to in the backseat of his parents’ car, got some nice jewelry from (since your dad was getting sick of buying you diamonds every month), and….yeah that’s about it.
Every betch goes through relationship stages, but one of the most dramatic is the end of the high school relationship. It usually happens when you head off to college aka one big party/fuck fest. No one wants to schedule FaceTime calls and Valentine’s Day visits around blacking out regularly and flirting with college bros.
Speaking of college bros, how much fucking better are they than the lame high school bros you were forced to intermingle with during your younger years? There’s the frat bro, the athlete, the intellectual bro – basically the possibilities are endless. Back in the high school there were two categories bros fell in: small dick and big dick. It was really their only noteworthy quality and about 60% unfortunately fell short.
While college bros are still by no means up to par (in looks and smarts) to what us betches deserve, they are a clear step up from the boys we dated/exploited in high school.
The long distance relationship is way too much work for a betch who enjoys her own life way too much to sit on Skype for hours discussing the mindless shit her boyfriend from high school is into. No, IDGAF about the new Call of Duty game that you played with your friends last night or the “sick” burrito you ate at Chipotle for lunch.
If you are a delusional dater and believe that the guy you fell in love with when you were 16 fucking years old will be the only and greatest love of your life, then you really shouldn’t have even been accepted to college.
When the time does come for you and your BF to part ways (which it will, stop lying to yourself) just remember that college is a place full of thousands of guys that you have never spoken to before. 100% of them would die for a chance with your betchy ass and there’s a good chance that one of them will be the bro for you. The one who can take your shit and then give it right back to you.
Some things, like Kim Kardashian’s marriages and fugly friends, are just not meant to last. Boyfriends who courted you while you had braces and drank Smirnoff Ice are one of them.