Colorado Man Arrested For Killing Computer

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

We all thought America was the land of the free, home of the brave. Well, I hate to break it to you, but it fucking isn't, thanks Obama. It turns out, even though this is a free country, you can't take your computer into a back alley and shoot it because you're sick and tired of its shit. A man in Colorado found this out the hard way when he was citing for discharging a firearm within city limits for doing just that. What's even the point of living in the good ol' U.S. of A. if I can't even put a bullet in my own Macbook? Clearly the arresting officers have no idea what it's like to wait 30 whole seconds for a website to load because you've got 18 tabs and Photoshop running simultaneously. That's justifiable homicide.

Our American hero and Defender of the Second Amendment's name is Lucas Hinch, and he was given the citation after officers responded to a "shots fired" call on Monday evening. The investigation revealed he fired 8 shots into his laptop (way harsh, Tai), and that he "was fed up with fighting with his computer for the past several months". Solid police work right there, glad my taxes are paying for that.

Hinch was supposedly a pretty good sport about the whole thing, and didn't even know he was breaking the law. We'll have to see if that's a solid defense (probs not), and a judge will decide his penalty. Until then, I guess we'll have to stick to throwing our computers out the window, which might also be against the law but we won't know until someone else gets arrested for it.






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