June 22, 2014
Dear Baby Crazy Facebook Moms,
So, you had a baby. Congrats for successfully pushing something the size of a small pumpkin out of your vagina. The only reason I know your baby was the size of a pumpkin was because from the moment of conception, you posted daily statuses updating me on the size of your growing fetus. Today the baby’s the size of a blueberry! Today it’s the size of a grape!
Like I’m not exactly the superstitious type, but aren’t you supposed to wait until you’re at least into your second trimester—which would be, what, an avocado?—before you start announcing you’re pregnant to all 3,000 of your “closest” friends and family. You basically forced me to spend the next 6 months praying you don’t get a miscarriage because oh God, that's not a status I would want to read.
I could spend an entire strongly worded letter on annoying pregnant girls on Facebook, but that’s for another day. Full-fledged moms: it’s your turn. Once someone you know has a baby you might as well unfriend them because they will never post anything remotely interesting ever again.
Let’s start off with the fact that literally no one gives a fuck about your kid, except you. I logged onto Facebook to stalk a hot pro, not to check up on when Madison’s last bowel movement was. I know it’s called “the miracle of life” and all but the fact that your kid “made a doody” is really not a miracle; it’s basic human function. Not to mention, ew. I would have lost my lunch because of you, except I didn’t eat any, TG.
Aside from the fact that no one cares, has it occurred to anyone besides me that it’s actually super creepy to post pictures of your baby or toddler on the internet, where literally anyone can see/save the picture for personal use? Like this baby/child can’t even consent to having that picture put up, does nobody else think that’s kind of fucked? Mom look at that double chin! I am sooo untagging myself, you bitch.
Like wouldn’t it be trippy if you grew up and realized the first five or whatever years of your life were publicly documented, completely without your knowledge??
Also, please don’t post about your parenting choices. You might think you’re showing how “tough” you are and how “bratty” your kids are, but if you make your status about how you sent little Maddie to bed without any dinner, the only thing I’m thinking is that I should probably call Child Protective Services.
Go get a real photo album and keep it far, far away from me,