April 20, 2015
At first, you were hesitant to start watching that nerdy fantasy show that your boyfriend likes called “Game of Thrones.” It was a little too wizard-y and hyped up for your taste. But whatever, everyone was doing it, so it can’t be that bad; which is exactly what I told myself when I did acid last week at Coachella. Cady Heron thinks Stannis should sit on the Iron Throne, so I think Stannis should sit on the Iron Throne
But then, like a fucking beacon of light ascending from the heavens above, this show introduced you to the fantasy, betchy counterpart you never knew you had or needed. A character who spoke to you on a spiritual level. Game of Thrones introduced you to our betch of the week- Daenarys Targaryen, the mother fucking Khaleesi.
Not only is our girl Dany the hottest blonde bitch on the block with a rocking bod, she’s a bad ass who DGAF so hard. At first she’s like totally getting sold to this juice-head, but alarmingly sexy, caveman guy by her brother so that he can take over the his army. It’s all pretty weird. But then they give her these three dragon eggs, and she’s like… you know what? I could totally fuck with this. She makes the hot caveman fall in love with her, and watches her evil brother burn to death without giving a single fuck. Not one. Bye Felicia.
Throughout the show, her husband dies and Kahleesi (which is like the queen of cavemen) steps into fire, yes INTO FIRE, with her dragon eggs, and comes out with 3 baby dragons. And she’s naked.
She only gets better and betchier from there. Here are the top 5 reasons Khaleesi is the baddest betch the fantasy/real world could ever know:
She’s all about freeing the slaves in her fantasy world and even lets her dragons fucking melt the masters that beat their slaves. Like if that isn’t charity work, I don’t know what is. Your sorority event that supports blind puppies or whatever can simply not compete. Then she’s like “all you slaves can either go free, or live with me. And I freed you, so I mean, there’s that.” And then she has like a million adoring fans. It’s a mixture of blackmail and being overly-friendly and it feels so right.
Literally like every dude she meets wants to take Dany to poundtown. It’s kinda gross but even more hilarious because she’s the total betch who completely ignores all of them. Her captain is old and obsessed with her so much that Janis Ian is telling him to chill out. But she acts like he doesn’t exist, thus giving him his new name- Lord Friendzone. And when she does decided to put out, you best believe it’s with the hottest guys in the realm. Cough cough, Daario’s fine ass.
She’s a queen with a posse of firebreathing dragons and a shit ton of soldiers, and she makes sure EVERYONE knows. You can’t even go speak to Khaleesi without her servant telling you all her accomplishments and prominent titles. She’s so humble, she doesn’t even need to brag about herself, she has other people to do it for her while she simply smiles casually like she’s fucking ordering frozen yogurt or something. It’s so inspirational, take notes Cersei.
Did we mention she is the mother of mother fucking dragons? Everyone in the realm is fighting each other and playing with their dicks, never even acknowledging that this betch has three super powerful pets that can destroy everyone in the world at any given moment. All us betches who watch GoT are just waiting patiently until her day comes and rocks everyone’s world.
Everything Dany does is all in the pursuit of being every normal girl with ½ a brain’s dream: being a queen. She doesn’t care how she gets there, as long as she gets the throne that is rightfully hers. Bow down.
So to conclude, Emilia Clarke, you fierce bitch who stars as our goddess Daenerys, thank you for being smoking hot, and for always having a wonderful resting bitch face that keeps us coming back to this nerdy show. When you decide to finally go take the crown, we’ll be there with proud tears in our eyes and lots of wine in our cups.
"Yes. All men must die, but we are not men."
"I will take what is mine with fire and blood."
“Woman? Is that meant to insult me? I would return the slap, if I took you for a man.”
“The next time you raise a hand to me will be the last time you have hands.”
“I am no ordinary woman, my dreams come true.”