January 11, 2012
It's Friday night and you and your besties are at a bar, talking to bros, drinking, giving dirty looks, the usual. All of a sudden the music fades out and you begin to hear the beat of "your jam" fading in. Be it We Found Love or Wilson Phillips' Hold On, you drop everything you're doing. Whether a hot pro is in the midst of buying you a drink or you're cutting the line for the bathroom, the music hits you like a betch slap to the face. You spot your friends from across the bar and all head to the table. Not to sit at, you loser. You're going to get on top of it and dance your fucking face off.
Without ever having to climb, betches were naturally born into the upper echelons of society. But sometimes people tend to forget that we're not their equals, so we prop ourselves higher with 5-inch pumps, drive in higher cars, and get perfect nose jobs to remind them. However this is not always enough, so what's the next best thing? Literally lifting ourselves off the ground, and onto a table, that's what. Simply put, if you don't want to put us on a pedestal, we'll fucking do it for you. Dancing on the floor is like wearing flats. Leave it for ugly girls.
So why dance on tables? Why the fuck not. The relationship a betch has with a table is a complicated one. We don't really eat off of them, because we don't eat. Fucking duh. The only time we'll sit around one is if we're forced to, it's someone's birthday dinner, or there happens to be a $1K bottle of Dom sitting on it. Sitting at a table is overrated, why sit and talk quietly when you'd rather be dancing like a complete idiot with your besties while spilling your drink on others, on top of a table?
A betch cures a crowded club the same way she cures her hangover: by getting as high as fucking possible. The college betch knows that floor space at her favorite bar is limited and sweaty as fuck. According to our iPhone thermometer app, the air on top of a table is 15 degrees cooler. Whoever said heat rises was clearly an ugly loser who was home studying real science at 12:45 on a Friday night. Fucking duh.
Betches also dance on tables because it’s an easy way for the lost-at-sea betch to find her besties. Screw the north star, betches know to head for their fave booth when they get lost in a sea of bros. Your go-to table is sort of like your grandparent’s place in Boca: it’s always there when you just need to get away from it all. We dance on tables because it’s inappropriate. The only thing bouncers hate more than their own lives is having to remind you to get off the table every time “Call your Girlfriend” comes on. Fortunately, bouncers only mess with ugly people, so betches get away with this as easily as Casey Anthony got away with, well, bad example.
When tables aren’t available, crafty betches find other things on which to dance. For the daytime #23 pregame, it’s the frat house’s roof. For the tailgate, it’s the top of your bestie’s Range Rover. For the music festival, standing itself is challenge enough, so betches get a pass here. Generally speaking, the more drunk the betch, the more precarious her perch. But a true betch can dance, text, and sip a vodka soda, all while keeping her balance.
So next time you feel that urge pumping through your veins like you're the fucking hulk, climb your skinny ass on a table and dance. And remember that it is that common, it happens to every betch, and it is a big deal. Don't let the jealous fuglies' nasty looks dissuade you. Nice girls set tables, betches dance on them.