January 16, 2013
This is gonna sound gross and you may think i'm a fucking weirdo but you'll have to believe me when i tell you that I am as betchy as they come, but I have a really gross problem. I'm in my drinking prime right now, meaning that i won't be stopping getting blackout for a long time because i won't be entering the real world for years. This past year I've developed a habit of drinking way too much, passing out, and in turn pissing myself while i'm passed out.
Usually this wasn't that big of a deal because i was in my own bed when I did it but on new year's i was actually passed out at the party I was at and I pissed on someone's couch. Luckily i didn't know them and the house was kind of nasty to begin with so i don't really care what they think of me, but sooner or later it's going to be in a boy's bed or at the house of someone i actually hang out with a lot and that's going to be really fucking embarrassing.
Also, i'm about to be in a situation where i will be drinking a lot. so what do I do? Is this completely fucking weird? do I have to stop drinking just to save my reputation?
Dear Yellow Betch,
First of all, with respect to not entering the real world any time soon, it seems as if you just got into grad school. Congratulations! Second of all, betches don't piss, they pee. Now that we've cleared that up, it's time to golden shower with you some advice.
Definitely do not stop drinking; your reputation is important, but let's not get carried away. After careful consideration, we believe that you should just use the bathroom as much as fucking possible while you're still conscious. This strategy means that you will have to spend a lot of time on line waiting for the bathroom. We suggest downloading Tinder to occupy your time while you wait. We also recommend filling your diaper-bag-of-tricks with clever excuses (e.g., some bro spilt beer; my water broke; I sweat like a man).
Yellow betch out, golden betch in.
I'm so sick of answering these stupid fucking emails. They all ask the same shit. What should I do?
Dear Head Betch,
Take the day off! You deserve it. You woke up at 9:15 today.
Got a problem? Email the Head Betches Here and if your question doesn't fucking suck we might even answer it.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing