January 25, 2013
I am from the US but currently living abroad for a year in London. The first week I arrived here, I met this really cool pro. Initially I friend zoned him; he was not my "type" physically, but he was well connected, had a great job, loved to party, we shared similar interests and I figured he would be a great person to introduce me to London town. He would invite me out to parties, take me to dinner, buy me drinks, ect. and often make a move when we were drunk, but I would brush it off. Mostly because I wanted to keep him just as a friend (yes I know male/female friendship is a misnomer, but whatever) and also because I found out he had a reputation for hooking up with lots of girls. Over the course of about two months we got really close.
We would talk all the time and would tell each other about our lives/previous relationships, but would always interact just as friends. For example when I went clubbing with him, we would both talk to other people. He would sometimes make fun of the guys who approached me, but never got jealous. One night we went clubbing, he and his fellow pro friends got bottle service, I got black out, and woke up the next morning in my pro's bed. We hadn't slept together and didn't in the morning, but spent the morning cuddling and kissing. To my surprise, he initiated the "what does it mean" convo and together we decided that sex would overly complicate our friendship and that we should abstain unless we were in a relationship. A few weeks went by and we continued to get closer and he got nicer— more drinks/dinners/ a holiday gift/ he even let me stay at his amazing flat for a week while I was in between moving flats) but still no sex (neither the regular or the Bill Clinton sort). One night we were making out, and I told him we should take things to next level, and to my shock, he declined. He said that he relized that I wanted a relationship, that he liked me a lot but wasn't in the place to give me that, and as much as he was attracted to me, that he wasn't gonna hook up with me because he didn't want to disappoint me and risk losing our friendship. He also said that he didn't want a relationship with me because I would leave him in a year to go back to the states (which seems like an excuse because I love LDN and am persuing a career that could potentially take me back here in the future).
I really like this pro, could totally see a future with him, and want him to officially be mine. I also want to sex him, but don't want to lose leverage by putting out before he commits. How do I get him to commit? Is it a lost cause? Could a pro really turn down sex in order to "not complicate a friendship," or is that just BS? Is it possible that my pro has friend zoned me? He keeps contact with his ex, but she lives in another country and as far as I know he isn't dating anyone in LDN. How the hell does he deal with his chronic case of blue balls?
Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated.
Sexless in London
Dear Sexless in London,
I can understand your confusion on this one as this guy is giving you major mixed signals. He makes out with you a lot but won't have sex. He says he doesn't want to risk losing you by having sex with you even though you insist and he still talks to his ex in a different country. Plus, you say he's known to be a womanizer and those guys usually don't turn down sex. My thoughts are on this include two scenarios.
1. He's secretly gay. When people say he's a womanizer, do they mean that he simply makes out with a lot of girls but doesn't commit or does he actually have sex with them? If it's the former then he's probably just trying to cover up the fact that he's not into vagina by making out with as many pretty girls as possible. In this case, his morning cuddle and kiss sessions along with his platonic relationship with his old beard girlfriend might be explained.
2. Or he could be straight and just not that into you. As we've said before, if guy wants to date you he'll make it happen. Maybe he sees you as a friend that he doesn’t mind getting drunk and making out with but doesn't really see you as girlfriend material or hot enough to be his girlfriend but he truly doesn't want to lose his party buddy by rejecting you. Maybe you black out too much to be taken seriously. Maybe the fact that you want it so bad is just turning him off entirely. Either way, he's just not that into you because if it's one thing I know it's that if a guy really wants to fuck you, he'll make serious moves to make that happen. If he's not making moves despite your obvious willingness, he's just not that into you.
In either scenario, the best thing to do is save face and move on. You're in London there's gotta be a million hot pros with accents who aren't afraid of your V. Move on.