Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betch,

I'd been hooking up with the super hot bro for over a month. when he cutely asked me to be his girlfriend. However, a few days later he went out of town. The day he left I texted him a cute "I'll miss you" and I'm still waiting for a response; it's been almost 4 days. Is this bro still my boyfriend?

How can I get him to respond?

Lone Texter


Dear Lone Texter,

I have to admit, this one perplexed me as much as the next betch. This situation seems weird and rather disturbing. There are a few possibilities for why you haven't heard from this bro in four days that we're going to explore.

1. You're completely delusional and this bro never really asked you to be his girlfriend. That, or he was completely joking and you just scared the shit out of him. It seems unlikely that anyone could possibly be this delusional unless you're emailing us from Bellvue's psych ward.

2. This bro is dead or kidnapped. This should be more appealing to you than option one for many reasons. Give him another week before stalking his Facebook or filing a missing persons report.

3. There's something wrong with your phone and he or you are not receiving texts. Perhaps he's been trying to contact you and your phones been fucked up. This has actually happened to us before. It's unlikely, but possible.

Regardless of if he got your 'I'll miss you" text if this guy is your boyfriend he should be contacting you more than once every four days. Where did he leave town for? Guam? Unless it's literally a third world country without internet or cell access this bro either has a fucked up phone or you've been negged.


The Betches


Dear Betches,

I have come to the only people who I think will give advice that, you know, actually works. For some reason(because I'm pretty) I seem to attract these older, successful #62 Pros, but I've never actually been interested in a serious relationship.

The other night I went to a good family friend of our's engagement party, I got super drunk, taking a shot for every time the couple kissed or someone mentioned marriage - VOM- , but long -story short I hit it off with a guy who I met a while back, but like we never ever saw each other. He's super rich, hilarious,and drives the sexiest car known to man. After a few more shots and even a trip to #10 Candyland together in the parking lot, we were pretty much full out flirting and all over each other.

I ended up sleeping at our family friend's house, and so did he and we even had a 5 am hookup on porch the front. Not gonna lie it was adorable. The next morning we all had our hungover convos and he even asked me out to dinner. My parents have met this guy like 432 more times than I have and my mom always wished me and him would go for it.

BUT HERE IS MY DILEMMA. I'm 18, and he's 10 years older. Yes I know, totes not socially acceptable, but seriously it's like whatever. I'm so used to talking to older guys that it's quite cajji for me to be going out with a 28 year old. What the fuck do I do!? Should I go for him? Will I look seriously fucking stupid ? Like this is so confusing...


I'm In Love With a Man Nearly Twice My Ageeeeeeeeeee

Dear I'm in Love With a Man Nearly Twice My Age,

Clearly since you've been quoting Shabba Ranks your maturity level is on par with a man who's pushing thirty. NOT. While normally we'd say age is just a number and this doesn't really matter, all signs lead to creepy on this one. Most girls date older guys because they're more mature, don't play games, and have more money. While the second and third thing may be true, the first is clearly not. This guy is 28 and hooking up at 5 am with someone who recently graduated high school. In all honesty he sounds like a huge fucking loser. Most 28 year olds wouldn't date an 18 year old because she's not mature enough, has yet to have the sexual and life experience of someone who has graduated college, and are afraid of being ridiculed for pedophilia by their bros.

Due to your mention of taking shots upon couples mentioning marriage, taking pills in the parking lot, and using grown up terms like "VOM" and "Cajji", we'd say you're not quite there yet. Allow yourself some time to grow up and stop hooking up with over the hill losers. Good luck in college and stop #8 fucking your family friends.


The Betches


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