Dear Betch: How Do I Handle Being A Homewrecker?

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Dear Betches

So I've been friends with this guy for like 5 years, he's super hot and a total bro and he's been like in love with me since we've known each other (which he's told me multiple times) but he has a girlfriend and he has always told me he would leave her for me if I gave him a chance, well being the betch I am, I never gave that bro a chance because well he's shady and has a bad reputation with girls, who are obviously not as betchy as me. Well a couple of weeks ago we got drunk at a friends house and ended up hooking up. Long story short he tells me he's gonna break up with her blah blah blah (he also tells me his girlfriend is a lesbian and he's been meaning to break up with her he just doesn't know how, cue the eyeroll) Despite him telling me they aren't together anymore, I know they still are but we've still been hooking up because the sex is just so good and he's like really hot and I may have developed feelings for him but thats like whatever. But I can't take his shadiness anymore and I want to end it, I just want to know the betchiest way of doing it so I come out on top. Any advice? Also Im not really a home wrecker right? Because he totally came onto me, I can't be expected to fend off everyone’s boyfriends.

Home Improvement Betch

Nice Try Tim Allen,

So let me get this straight: there’s a guy and you know he’s shady and you never gave him a chance until you started boning him, and that somehow makes you betchier than the other thots he’s been banging? Okay. I'm ignoring about 70% of this letter because your lame attempts at justifying your actions are more see-through than Amber Rose's VMAs outfit. The fact that you initially rejected him is irrelevant, the fact that his gf is supposedly a lesbian is irrelevant, and your blossoming feelings for this SAFAB (Shady As Fuck Asshole Bro—it’s gonna be the new thing) are irrelevant, too. You know why? Because you’re fucking someone else’s boyfriend, and you’re complicit in doing it. Guess what? You’re the definition of  a homewrecker.  A real betch doesn’t mess with another girl’s bf because she gets her own. Not that I’m saying this guy’s in the clear. He’s not—not by a longshot—but he’s not the one writing in so that's not my problem rn. You’re not responsible for “fending off everyone’s boyfriends” but it shouldn’t be that hard to not hook up with taken dudes who you claim not to be interested in in the first place. The only way to come out not losing horribly (since neither of you is winning in this case scenario) is to drop him, both as a hookup and a “friend.” Then, you’d better hope he keeps his sorry mouth shut so none of your other friends will know you tried to pull an Angelina.

If he did it with you he’ll do it to you,
The Betches

P.S. Damn what is with you marathon sentence writers? Do I need to write an article called “The Top 5 Most Betchy Punctuation Marks and How to Use Them”? I just might.




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