May 5, 2015
Yes, I realize it's almost summer. Yes, I realize you hot-blooded males may get heated in these months. And yes, I realize that you technically have the right to bear your hairy, meaty legs to the world. But just don't.
Because it's fucking disgusting.
There's nothing worse than stepping outside and looking over to find a grown man slinging his man-parts around the sidewalk, barely covered by four inches of fabric.
Seriously, you literally have a body part dangling between your legs. I don't want to see an accidental tip pop out of your shorts mid-sprint. I certainly don't need to see your unshaven, pale and hairy thighs. And Jesus fucking Christ, if I see your ball-sack, I will literally throw up.
I'm really not sure what caused this horrible trend. Perhaps you got bored, tried on a pair of your sister's shorts, and decided you liked the way they cut off your circulation. Or maybe, you just prefer that the world knows just how much hair covers your upper thigh.
Whatever the reason, this has got to stop. Because if I wanted to see your penis, you would know.
You have to realize, there's a reason that teenagers at Coachella can pull off the high-waisted shorts riding up their butts. Take note, it's called grooming. And hygiene. Females don't have mounds of hair in unwanted places.
And also, I mean, I really do hate to bring up the penis thing again, but FEMALES DON'T HAVE PENISES. We can wear shorts without the concern of indecent exposure.
So bros, the next time you reach for those questionably cuffed shorts, take a moment, and kindly go fuck yourselves.