November 10, 2014
Dear Online Surveys and the People Who Demand I Fill Them Out,
It’s cool that you have nothing better to do with your time than fill out endless questions on a scale from “Excellent” to “Poor,” but I am not one of those people. Whether it’s my Facebook friend’s marketing project, a review of my most recent online purchase, or my apartment complex prompting me to rate my last service request, I just cannot seem to get away from you and your incessant demands. No, I will not answer your survey. I don’t care about your marketing project. If I didn’t like my shoes, I would have returned them. And the maintenance man came in, fixed the disposal, and left while I was at work so I didn’t even interact with him so what’s there to review??
I can honestly say in all my 23 years of life, I have never been so strongly opinionated by something that I felt the only solution was to fill out a survey about it when prompted to do so. If I was really that mad about something I’d write a nasty email or something. If you’re going to get me to take a fucking 5-minute survey that then asks me to write a whole bunch of open-ended essays at the end, at least enter me into a drawing to win a fucking iPad or something.
The most enraging thing is that before every link to one of these stupid things, there’s always a sentence like, “We know your time is valuable, and this survey should take no more than five minutes of your time.” You realize my time is valuable, do you? Then quit spamming me with Survey Monkey links and then spamming me with follow ups asking me why I haven’t done the fucking survey. Why do you think I haven’t done it?
On a scale of 1 to 5 I have 1 fucks to give,