As if we need any more reasons to have anxiety, the first Presidential Debate happened last night and it went about as well as trying to go to the gym the day after your birthday. Honestly it felt more like a Comedy Central Roast than a debate for the next president. Somehow we wouldn’t be surprised if the internet found a way to blame millennials for ruining debates. We feel like this whole election has been like going on vacation with your ex after you’ve broken up—it’s not the future you see for yourself and you just want it to be over.
Anyways, we watched the debate and all we could say was UGH. So here are the worst moments from the debate so we can relive them and then hope they go away forever. Like a burn book. Let it all out.
Is Trump trying to low key snort coke off the podium? #debates— Betches (@betchesluvthis) September 27, 2016
I mean, he’s confident AF so probably. But everyone went batshit because Trump was sniffling and we all suspected him of bumping before the debate. He talks a lot about how huge his shit is, so we wouldn’t be surprised if he was coked out during the debate. Exaggeration is a common side effect, after all... or so we’ve heard. I mean, we gave Trump shit for calling Hillary out on her pneumonia, and now he’s got a runny nose and everyone attacks him. TBH this whole thing was UGH because the fact that everyone’s talking about it means the candidates aren’t exactly captivating us with presidential remarks. Also, if you guessed there are parody Twitter accounts for Trump’s sniffles, you’re right.
We thought we were bad at remembering names, but this is like if you spelled the bride’s name wrong at her wedding—and if you were the guy marrying her. I mean, we weren’t experts in school but isn’t there one nerd working for the Presidential Debates that could have caught this? This just takes not doing work to another level.
There’s nothing more annoying than a bro being proud of being a dick, and this was no exception. He said “I think I did a good job” about bullying President Obama into showing his birth certificate. Literally asking a black President to see his papers, and then went on to deny he was a racist. I mean, no good conversation has ever started with “I trust you, but…”
So race came up because it’s an important issue, and Trump’s response was to say “Law & Order” a bunch of times because he saw it on TV once. He then added that “I just got today the [as you know the] endorsement of the fraternal order of police which just came in.” Literally talking about his endorsement like a pair of shoes that came in through the mail. Like is he ordering endorsements on Amazon Prime?
As Lester reminded them that their two minutes had expired over and over again, we were reminded of trying to get everyone to leave a pregame and into a cab. It’s like no matter what he said they just wanted to yell at each other in loud voices. Honestly we felt bad for Lester, but he was all of us, looking at the clock and waiting for everyone to shut up so he can go home.
We don’t disagree that Trump said shitty things about women, but I mean, is that really news at this point? Honestly just felt like a Roast Battle with less jokes. Hillary said “he called this woman Miss Piggy. Then he called her Miss Housekeeping because she was Latina” about Alicia Machado, and we all collectively rolled our eyes. Telling a bro the shitty names he called women just makes him look more bro-worthy in other bros' eyes.
Lester asked them about cyber security and Trump answered with “The security aspect of cyber is very, very tough. And maybe, it's hardly doable. But I will say, we are not doing the job we should be doing. But that’s true throughout our whole governmental society. We have so many things that we have to do better, Lester. And certainly cyber is one of them.” So um, he’s afraid his dick pics aren’t secure? That’s basically what it sounds like.
You know the couple in your friend group that always fights when they get drunk? This was like that, except the winner of the fight is driving you home. Basically you shouldn’t get in either of their cars, because they’re both drunk.
It’s like asking a woman where she stands on breast cancer research and her answer is, “Some people have really nice boobs, if I get more money I’ll definitely get some fake boobs.” Of all the issues that airports could raise like terrorism, rising gas prices, or immigration, he talked about how our airports don’t look as good as Dubai’s. Trump name-dropping airports was like the girl who goes abroad and can’t stop saying things the British way. We get it, you travel.
As a cherry on top for what feels like the dumbest debate in history, a political news source said Trump lacked preparedness and Hillary was over-prepared. I mean, can you imagine a sports journalist saying Steph Curry was too prepared for a championship? Major UGH. Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by last night’s debate.