The Best Pizza for Your Diet: Since We’re All Fucking Snowed In

By Betchy Crocker

As the title suggests, you’re probs already snowed in or about to be. Some of us have been drinking since 9 a.m., and we don’t think that’s an issue. What IS an issue, however, is the lack of food or energy to make food. You may end up turning toward the dark side – pizza delivery. We’re here to outline your best and absolute fucking worst choices when it comes to ordering this delicious diet killer.

Pizza Hut

That grease layer makes it extra delicious, apparently.

Worst: The fucking hot dog bites pizza. We don’t know how high you need to be to actually want this shit in the first place, but please realize that 1 slice of this bullshit is at least 460 calories. GAG.

Best: Luckily, Pizza Hut is now carrying “skinny” pies (although if you wanted something skinny, we recommend NOT eating pizza). One slice of the Veggie Lover’s Thin N’ Crispy medium size is about 180 calories; so, like, better.


Probably your best friend during 2 a.m. cravings in college, it’s probably best to stay away from this shit show.

Worst: Maybe not the absolute worst for you, but definitely up there – the 14” Extravaganzza Feast Pizza. Each slice is 368 calories or more.

Best: Usually a viable fake pizza option, go for the Thin Crust “Lighten Up” Veggie Pizza. A quarter of a 10” small pizza is only 180 calories, so yay.  It’s not an official menu item; so just order the small thin crust and pile on spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes, and olives and a small portion of cheese.

Papa John’s

Can Peyton Manning save us from gaining 3 lbs? Probs not.

Worst: Seems typical but a shitty – a 14” The Works pizza with ultimate deep dish crust is, like, 370 calories. Yah, so don’t order that.

Best: If you must order PJ’s, opt for the Garden Fresh small. One slice will only run you about 140 calories.

Little Caesar’s

If for some reason you brave the snow to grab a Hot N sweaty Ready, here’s what you should get:

Worst: You could think this wouldn’t be bad but, you’d be wrong. One slice of a Hot N Ready deep dish pepperoni pizza is – wait for it – 350 calories. Kill me.

Best: There are no winners at Little Caesar’s, but if you must get a pie, go for the plain round pizza, cheese, no toppings. One slice is 250 calories.


Did you break out the emergency frozen pizza? We all have one.

Worst: Hopefully, the emergency pie isn’t a DiGiorno For One Traditional Crust Supreme Pizza. Why? Because the entire thing (which, again, is for ONE PERSON), is 790 calories.

Best: Honestly, not that surprisingly, the best frozen pizza you can buy and stock for snow days is Kashi’s Stone-Fired Thin Crust Pizza with mushroom and spinach. A third of the pie is only 150 calories, so you can feel like you’re indulging when you’re totally not.

Get out there and make smart pizza choices.




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