July 21, 2015
Recently an anonymous McDonald’s manager confirmed the existence of a ‘secret menu’ at the fast food chain, because there wasn’t enough sketchy shit going on at these restaurants already. The menu allows customers to combine existing offerings, and consume 10,000 calories in one sitting instead of just the usual two days’ worth. It’s nothing short of lethal, which is why we think there’s huge potential here to destroy our worst enemies.
Consider, for example, the swift damage that a McGangBang can do when conveniently handed to a drunk person at 3 AM. Named for how violated your arteries will feel, this secret menu item is a McChicken sandwich placed inside a McDouble, and it only costs $2. What a small price to pay, to watch your ex’s new girlfriend inhale 10 ounces of mayo and launch into the biggest shame spiral of the year.
Even more powerful is the Land, Air and Sea burger, which is a Big Mac, Filet-O-Fish, and McChicken sandwich all stacked together for $8.49. One pro tip is to try switching the wrapper out for a healthier brand and then giving it to your evil boss for lunch. They’ll notice after one bite, but by then it’s too late. They already have Type 2 Diabetes.
There’s also the Monster Mac, a sandwich with eight patties on it, which is sure to ruin any rival physically, emotionally and spiritually. We don’t even know what this one does, because we don’t hate anyone enough yet, but we know it’s bad.
Finally, if none of these weapons suit your fancy, feel free to design your own. The restaurant says that as long as you’re willing to pay for it, they’ll pretty much give you whatever quantity of food that you want and let you call it whatever the hell you please. Some ideas we currently have are the Triple Pound Vegan Annihilator, or the McLifeRuiner, which is a 70 piece chicken nugget meal the day before a pool party. Ba da ba ba baaaa..