July 5, 2011
As we’ve said before, betches are down to drink pretty much anything that gets us wasted. But on those occasions when you can't bear the thought of alcohol because you're hungover, it's your little sister's 6th birthday, or you just arrived at rehab, a betch will turn to the greatest soft drink of all time, Diet Coke.
Diet Coke is like water for betches. We’d permanently attach ourselves to a fucking IV drip of Diet Coke if we could get the medical clearance. What's our obsession with DC all about? Zero calories. Fucking duh.
Screw Diet Snapple and Crystal Light, not only will DC quench our thirst, it also makes us feel like we just ate a 10 course meal. Some say Gatorade is a thirst quencher. This girl is usually the fat goalie on the soccer team. Do you know how many calories are in GATORADE? Neither do we, but it's enough to be considered a meal in a bottle!
Since a betch has been drinking DC since her mother weaned her off breast milk, she won’t hesitate to tell you that next to vodka soda and Ex-Lax, Diet Coke is the most delicious #5 diet ever. If your #37 betchy mom wasn't forcing Diet Coke down your throat when you were 8, you should start sending her hate mail for turning you into a fucking fatty. Sure it took a while to get used to all that carbonation, but that’s why we call it Betches-in-fucking-Training.
Since betches won’t order anything but #31 wine at dinner, Diet Coke is the ultimate lunch beverage. DC pretty much goes with anything - sushi, salads, wraps, you name it. But every betch knows it's also completely acceptable, even strongly recommended, to order Diet Coke as your meal. In the event that you’re invited to lunch with a group of betches, beware. If the words regular Coke dare leave your mouth while ordering, be prepared for an hour of under-the-table #34 BBMs about how fat you are. You may think you’ll be able to salvage your reputation by ordering a salad...Wrong again, fatass. And if you're thinking of even touching the bread basket, just leave the table now, you’re in the wrong crowd.
In fact, there’s nothing that will irk a betch more than if she’s given a regular Coke instead of Diet. If the waitress has the audacity to bring you a regular soda, or even worse a DIET PEPSI, she just immediately snagged the number 1 spot on your #25 WYDEL. You won't be tipping her, so she might as well start spitting in your food now. (Wait, you aren't ordering any!) Betches won’t go anywhere near Pepsi. If our goal were to vom, we would have at least ordered some fucking cheese fries first.
Sidebar: What the fuck was the deal with Pepsi One? Besides the fact that it's PEPSI, who wants to drink soda with an entire calorie?
Let's not forget that there will always be some loser at the lunch table who thinks she's the Surgeon fucking General, and it's her duty to let you know that Diet Coke is made from toxic chemicals. If not getting cancer were on our agenda, our first step would probably be to stop baking our bodies in the sun like we're a bucket of KFC wings.
Drinking regular Coke, or any non-alcoholic beverage with calories is like casting Rumer Willis in a movie. It doesn't make any fucking sense. Everyone knows the greatest invention of all time was not the lightbulb or like, the Internet. Instead we are thankful for that magical day in 1982 when betches all over the world could rejoice that they had finally found their holy water. Diet Coke Forever.