March 20, 2015
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those on the right side of history, and those who aren’t. And no, I’m not talking about inconsequential bullshit like gay marriage or racism or women's rights, I’m talking about the things that matter: Are you the sort of upstanding citizen who makes it so that the toilet paper goes over the roll, or are you the kind of child molesting psychopath that entertains your sick perversions by putting it under? The “debate,” which is kind of like “debating” whether the holocaust really happened, has waged for decades. Recently, a writer for the Huffington Post dug up the original patent for rolled toilet paper (surely the closest HuffPo has ever come to actual journalism), settling the debate once and for all:
The patent for toilet paper should settle the over vs under debate pic.twitter.com/arZl6l6ALn— Owen Williams (@ow) March 17, 2015
That’s right: The toilet paper goes over the fucking roll, no exceptions. Doing otherwise would seemingly violate this good man’s patent, which I’m pretty sure is treason and thereby punishable by death.
The “reasons” the oppositionist psychopaths present for subverting their toilet paper are as weak as the people who succomb to the satanic urges to do so: “It looks nicer!” No it doesn’t, it looks upside down. “It’s harder for pets to unravel it!” How about you close your fucking bathroom door? Or better yet, have a conversation with your pet about how they really should leave the toilet paper alone, because resorting to alternative prevention methods will land you on a government watchlist. They will understand. They understand more than you realize.
Explaining the reasons why the toilet paper should go over the roll is like explaining the reasons why America is the greatest country on Earth, or the reasons why people shouldn’t have sex with farm animals: They are so obvious and intrinsic as to be self-evident.
Think about it: All rolled things are dispensed from the top-down, not the bottom-up. Scotch tape. Bubbletape. The film in those little projectors you used to have in school that the nerdy kids always volunteered to operate (way to prepare yourself for an exciting career at a movie theater, loser). Italian sandwiches obviously come on a different kind of roll, but even then people have the good sense to eat them with the fillings on top, not the bottom. Honestly, the only rolled thing I can think of that dispenses from the bottom is a tape measure. I don’t want to insinuate too much, but chances are if you have to use a tape measure every day, you’re probably not smart enough to know the correct way to align your toilet paper. I am just saying.
Besides, if we didn’t put the toilet paper over the top, how else would we get those delightfully folded corners found in finer hotels around the world? Can you honestly tell me that you’d deny hotel housekeepers the pleasure of knowing that, in an indirect way, they’re able to spread their hand germs to your butthole? If you can, you might as well join ISIS right now. I think our government would make an exception for an under-roller, as enough of you in their ranks would eventually collapse the organization from within.
The toilet paper goes on top of the goddamned roll.