February 4, 2014
I'm curious about a situation I seem to get in from time to time...so I am single, but 29, so I am pretty much past the random hook up/bootycall/one-night stand point in my life. When I am on a date with someone, you inevitably reach the point in the night where you leave each other. Date #2, date #3...eventually you're getting to a point where you either see something in the other person that you think could be more, or you punt and move on. But at some point, you stay the night together and sleep together. [Yes. These are… things that happen]
My question is...what's the male perspective on staying at a girls place/having her stay over, if you haven’t slept together and aren’t going to that night. Maybe I'm a rarity, but I typically cannot wait for the guy to go home/me to go home solo. And this is not to say that I don't eventually totally dig the guy and have a successful relationship, bc I've always been like this and eventually I come around to actual cohabitation. But to me, sex is a critical element to wanting to share a bed with someone. I understand you aren't always going to be able to get it on, but I’m just someone who would rather save sexless sleep arrangements for marriage (zing). [1986 would like its joke back, thanks]
So do guys actually like cuddling and sharing a bed, even if that's it? Is it just a personal preference? Do they assume if they are crashing in a girls bed, its at least better than sleeping in their own bed where the sheets haven’t been washed for 2-3 months? That’s probably wishful thinking on my part that they even note the soft scent of a girl's detergent, or her 12 pillows that immediately get thrown on the floor but look AMAZING when the bed is made.
Dear… Cheerio, I guess?,
In general, I don’t think guys do as much hand-wringing over whether or not to stay or cuddle as girls do, nor does it have anything to do with the condition of our sheets. After all, we sleep on them that way because we don’t care, not because we’re somehow incapable of washing them. It’s really just a convenience thing. If it’s 4 am and we’ve been hanging out at your place, I’d really rather not try to get home. Same goes for when the situation’s reversed: I’m not going to toss cab fare at a girl just because she’s not putting out. Plus, assuming you like the person (which you would ostensibly have to in order to do whatever lead up to this situation), I guess it’s nicer to snuggle up to them.
For being 29, your rationale for not sharing a bed together is kind of juvenile. Are you, in reality, a 19 year old boy who is also a virgin? “Bro, unless we’re fucking, that bitch is out the door” seems to be your mantra. Yes, beds are a good place to have sex, easily in the top 15. However, beds are also amazingly, *shockingly* good places for two people to get some shuteye without having to bring the good times to an end and/or go out of doors prior to sleeping. Unless you are, for some reason, still sleeping in a twin bed you pilfered from your college nearly a decade ago, your bed should be adept at accommodating two normal-sized humans.
That said, prohibiting sexless sleeping isn’t a bad idea, per se. Whenever a girl proposes that arrangement for the night, I’m always like “heh, yeah right. Nice save.” And then when it turns out she’s serious and starts snoring or whatever, I spend half the evening subtly yet futilely poking my boner into her backside, hoping she’ll magically wake up lusting for my manhood.
And then I’ll do the same thing in the morning, because men are repulsive creatures.
Dear Head Pro,
I'm 20 years old with sexual needs and desires. So my coworker, who's 24, mentioned I should get a friend with benefits. I thought about it and decided I didn't like anyone enough or I knew too many people who were within the same circles. I asked the same coworker to be my FWB, he agreed.
It's satisfying and all the above. But he likes to call me "kiddo" while at work (before and currently while in the FWB relationship). Not sure if that's a cover up for our little rendezvous, or if he really means it. It's frustrating because it makes me feel like he doesn't see me as a woman. Help, please.
Dear… is that your fucking MySpace handle, or something?,
Ok. First mistake was seeking advice from a grown man who calls a coworker “kiddo,” which I should point out he was using before you started fucking, and yet now you want to know if it means something different. I’ll tell you what a grown man calling someone “kiddo” means: It means he’s an insufferable, uncreative asshole. That is true regardless of whether or not he’s occupying your sausage wallet.
If you feel like he doesn’t see you as a woman, it’s because he doesn’t, and he doesn’t because you basically asked to. A request prompted, I should add, by his ALTRUISTIC AND IN NO WAY SELF-SERVING suggestion. The idea behind FWB situations, and why they’re so laughable, awful and largely unsuccessful, is that you strip away all the nuances that make a sexual relationship desirable until you’re left with two people who don’t hate each other sticking things in each others’ holes. That’s why he doesn’t see you as a woman, or even much of a person. You essentially asked him to look at you as nothing more than a sex object, because that’s really the only way a true FWB situation can work.
I have to believe that you know this to be a terribly ill-advised decision. I also have a hard time imagining that every functional penis within a reasonable radius is somehow unavailable or unattainable. I mean, talk about wanting to avoid dabbling in close circles - a coworker is about as close as it gets. If you’re only 20, get yourself a fake ID and you can go out and find more dicks willing to have unattached sex with you than you’d ever be able to accommodate in a lifetime’s worth of orgies.
Or, y’know, you could just suck it up and get into the dating pool like everyone else.