Kissing Your Dog Is Cleaner Than Kissing A Fuckboy, Study Finds

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

In case you needed another reason to make your dog your life companion, how about this new study that found dogs’ mouths have less bacteria than guys’ mouths? Yes, this is real, and no, I’m never kissing another guy again. Just in case my desire not to catch fuckboyitis wasn’t enough of a deterrent. For once, science didn’t totally fuck us over. Yay science.

In case you give a shit, a dog fence company called Havahart Wireless…okay, you know what, I’m gonna need a minute to rant before I get onto the methodology and findings of this study. First off, a dog fence company conducting a study on dog germs versus human germs? Seems a little biased, but whatever, I’m not the IRB. Yeah, I took Psych 101, get at me. But really, your supposed dog fence company is named Havahart Wireless? What the fuck? How is that name supposed to convey that you sell dog fences and not prepaid burner phones to drug dealers? If anybody ever needed a new marketing deparment, it’s these people.

Okay so yeah, Stupidname Wireless did a study and found that human mouths have way more bacteria than dog mouths do—1.4 times more. Gross. So next time someone gives you shit for kissing your dog, tell them to suck it. Or something. IDK. Point is, it's not that gross relatively. I guess.

The study also found that while dogs’ mouths are cleaner than humans’, your dog’s stuff, like toys and bowls, have less bacteria than human stuff like forks, bowls, and cell phones. YEAH NO SHIT because we don’t store our cell phones on the ground. Start keeping your forks in a hole underground that you dug using your bare feet and then tell me it has less bacteria than a chew toy.


But yeah, I don’t want to distract too much from the main takeaway from the study, which is: Kiss dogs, not boys. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll be finding myself a dog husband.




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